The Haven
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The Haven

Plywood Shortage Looms as Russian Dignitaries Rush to Board Up Their Windows

Kremlin points finger at the West for rash of swan dives

A worldwide shortage of plywood sheets is imminent because so many prominent Russians are using the material to board up their windows to prevent themselves from falling out. The number of Russian VIPs mysteriously plunging to their deaths from high-rise windows has increased dramatically over recent years.

Some Russian oligarchs have taken to boarding up the windows of their superyachts. If this trend gains momentum, it could compound the plywood shortage.

A spokesperson for window manufacturers in Russia said the trend is very worrying because many wealthy Russians are electing to get rid of their windows or not use them in buildings. The spokesperson went on national television in Russia to complain about the trend just before he fell out of his office window.

The Russian government blames “corrupt Western influences” for the plague of window divers. Russian citizens who buy into the West’s debauchery become careless, irresponsible, and prone to “wandering aimlessly near open windows” says the government.

The problem is showing up in some unexpected places. For example, construction industries worldwide will be hard hit by a plywood sheet shortage, as will many coastal homeowners preparing for hurricane season. Window cleaners in Russia are protesting that the cost of insurance coverage for collisions with falling people has skyrocketed, and many family-owned enterprises will go out of business if the government does not step in.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.