Pocahontas tweets her anger at President
White House cedes to native demands
Publicly, the President says, this was the best week of his Presidency. The Senate has 51 votes for his tax bill. Mike Flynn, one of the worst criminals in the Obama administration, will go to jail. His Tweets targeted every deviant in America, including that fraudulent Indian impersonator Senator Warren. What more could anyone ask for?
Maybe a little respect. The President shared a side-splitting joke about Senator Warren being Pocahontas to a handful of hundred-year-old Navajos and suddenly everyone was on his case. “Those guys were so old they shoulda been deaf,” the President complained. “Did you look at them? They looked like the mummy bandages just came off.”
“Those guys (Navajo code talkers) were so old they shoulda been deaf,” the President complained. “Did you look at them? They looked like the mummy bandages just came off.”
Even worse, pundits criticized him for greeting the Navajo code talkers in front of his prized portrait of Andrew Jackson. “The second best President in the History of America,” he complained. “A guy who knew how to deal with the immigrant problem.”
The President spoke with The Haven during a private interview granted only because he has no idea who we are. I was able to convince the White House that our paper is “steeped in the principles of liberty.” 
“You’d think those redskins…fans,” he added “fans” after a harsh glare from Chief of Staff John Kelly, “would be grateful that I gave them medals. Those things cost money.”
An assistant, whispered in his ear, and he added. “Okay, they got to shake my hand. That’s as good as a medal.”
Twitter Wars erupt again
Word of the Pocahontas joke got around, however, and Thursday night even a legendary woman pioneer joined the ranks of critics.
“This President is taking us back centuries, to a day when men could kick around natives and women,” Tweeted Princess Matoaka, better known by her nickname Pocohantas.
A fact of which the President seemed unaware when he Tweeted back Friday morning, “Some JAP is Tweeting PC nonsense. Check your history Princess Matchbook.”
Matoaka responded with a portrait of her and “sister” Elizabeth Warren and the Tweet, “What kind of idiot can’t tell these two women apart?”
She followed with: “Respect must be reciprocated, but people who don’t deserve respect don’t know that,” and followed that with, “In fact, they probably don’t know the word, and if they do can’t pronounce it right.”
Respect must be reciprocated, but people who don’t deserve respect don’t know that…In fact, they probably don’t know the word, and if they do can’t pronounce it right.
I suggested the account might be faked, and The President pulled his hair. “Great. I should send this guy to Tillerson so he can see what a real moron looks like.” Kelly explained the White House demanded that Twitter stop the “obviously fake account” before lunch. Twitter informed them informed the account-holder was as legitimate as The President.
Who, it seems, became even more infuriated just before the interview when a new Twitter account, @realPresidentAndrewJackson, Tweeted. “Redskins aren’t immigrants. Every immigrant knows that but the fucking Germans, who are stupid and lie out both sides of their mouths.
The President accedes to protestor demands
The interview ended when the White House maintenance staff arrived to remove the Jackson portrait. “The haters and immigrant lovers win,” The President grumbled as they entered his office. As soon as he finished his sentence, however, his stood and rushed to the doorway where the FedEx delivery man had just arrived with a fifteen foot crate.
He rubbed his hands all over the packaging, trying to find a way to open it. “Sign the papers and get this guy out of here,” he barked to Kelly. He pried open one side with his 24-karat-plated letter opener. It fell to the floor to reveal a statue so recently removed from a public park that bird shit covered the shoulders.
“No one can complain possibly about this,” the President announced. “This guy had nothing to do with Indians. This is genuine American history.” As I left the maintenance staffers removed the statue of Jefferson Davis from its crate struggled to shift it in front of the Oval Office windows.
: Which, we are, but not the kind of liberty the President likes.
: In fact, Davis was a staunch advocate of removing the Seminoles from Florida to make more room for white settlers.