American Perp Walk

Pope Francis Overdoses on Purell After Shaking Hands with President Trump

“Trump suddenly grabbed my bare hand before I could don my papal oven mitt.”

VATICAN CITY (S. J. Newman) — Pope Francis suffered an acute reaction to hand sanitizer he had liberally applied to himself after shaking hands with Mr. Trump during the president’s state visit.

“It’s not like I’m a germophobe,” said the Pope, “I’ve eaten pizza directly after shaking hands with lepers, no problem.”

“But when I looked into this man’s eyes, I felt like I was staring into a cholera swamp,” said the Pope, while comically holding his nose. “I don’t even know what that is, but I know one when I see it!”

The Pope surmised he “may have slathered on too much hand sanitizer” because he remembers his eyes were stinging “from either the fumes of the Purell or from Mr. Trump’s cologne.”

“Last thing I remember before fainting, the president’s wife, Morticia (sic), gave me an eye-rolling Anderson Cooper see-what-I-have-to-put-up-with look.”

Pope Francis, moments before fainting into Mr. Trump’s arms.

Pope Francis recalled that in his weakened state, the effort to maintain a fake smile for his guests felt like “trying to balance a ton of bricks” on his face “until it all came tumbling down” at which point he passed out for a brief moment.

After catching the Pope’s fall, Mr. Trump gave as a gift to the spiritual leader an executive desk set, including a golden 8-ball to aid “in making hard decisions and predicting the future.”

The Pope chuckled, “After meeting Trump, I now understand what is meant by the phrase ‘the banality of evil’.”

“I gave to the American President a booklet explaining climate change, one that I usually hand out to school children in third world countries,” the Pope said. “For humanity’s sake, I pray he learns something from it.”

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