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Pope Leo Takes Out Restraining Order On JD Vance
“As a precautionary measure to ensure we don’t need another conclave next week.”
A Vatican press release today announced that recently installed Pope Leo XIV has requested a global restraining order against U.S. Vice-President JD Vance.
The press release stated:
While the late Pope Francis had disagreed publicly with the Trump administration on immigration and other policies, and Mr. Vance was the last person to meet with the Holy Father before his passing, there is no evidence that the Vice President transferred a deadly KGB nerve poison to the Pontiff during their handshake. However, as a precautionary measure to ensure we don’t need another conclave next week, we are implementing a restraining order against Mr. Vance, which will be enforced globally by national police forces in addition to the sinister albino monk who guards Church secrets.
Shortly before being elected head of the Holy See, Pope Leo had shared an article on social media which criticized the U.S. Vice President for his misunderstanding of Roman Catholic doctrine.
Under the terms of the Interpol-sanctioned order, the Vice-President will not be allowed to come within five hundred meters of the pontiff, or to be anywhere within Vatican City unless wearing an electronic ankle bracelet and accompanied by four Swiss Guards with pikes.
The Pope could not be reached for comment on the press release. Mr. Vance, located by reporters while sitting at a sidewalk cafe in Rome wearing a black bodysuit and balaclava, said only, “That’s a nice Papal Palace they got there, be a shame if anything happened to it.”
