POTUS Appoints Clone Justice
GOP sandbags Democrats with surprise vote
Calling it the “gift that will give till November,” the President leveraged a Supreme Court vacancy into a headline stifling power grab that knocked the Democrats out of power for the next century. The Supreme Court’s middle-of-the-road judge is gone, and his seat filled by a Trump clone.
“Cloning technology hasn’t advanced since Austin Powers 2, but only our President could see the possibilities,” Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced when he introduced the Supreme Court’s newest justice. “Rather than nominating a conservative judge who might stab him in the back, he delivered his clone. Someone could count on to back him every step of the way.”
“Rather than nominating a conservative judge who might stab him in the back, he delivered his clone. Someone could count on to back him every step of the way.”
By a 50–0 vote that included Vice President Pence’s affirmation, Mini-T, the President’s clone, was confirmed to the Supreme Court. Long considered a spoof created by Saturday Night Live alumni Mike Meyers, mini-clones represent the height of scientific research by the Department of Defense.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement lured Democratic Senators to the border by promising a tour of child internment facilities. In their absence, the Senate scheduled a vote to confirm Mini-T. The vote was, as expected, unanimous once Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins were waterboarded in the Oval Office.
The vote was, as expected, unanimous once Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins were waterboarded in the Oval Office.
“This was an outright coup d’état by a President with no regard for the law,” complained Minority Leader Chuck Schumer from the Oklahoma bus stop where Homeland Security abandoned Democratic Senators. They were kicked off the busses the minute word of the confirmation was transmitted to the bus drivers. It violates the quorum rule of the Senate, not to mention the Constitution.”
“When has Mitch McConnell ever honored Senate rules when they didn’t serve his interest,” joked B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant deputy. “I don’t know what POTUS has on him, but it’s got to be big. Spying for China, big.”
Kizzazz told The Haven that the President started the day in a terrible mood even though Gorsuch sent him advanced notice of SCOTUS’ anti-union decision. The media had released a story that 45 planned to appoint serial sexual harasser Bill Shine to replace Hope Hicks. The #MeToo traffic was pushing his numbers down.
Then Kelly commented it was too bad Kennedy wasn’t resigning because that would drown out the story. “POTUS immediately summoned Kennedy to the Oval Office. We don’t know what he said, but when they emerged, Kennedy planned to retire. It doesn’t matter how badly 45 fucks up now. He’s planning to pull out of the UN, NATO and start a three-way alliance with Russia and North Korea by the way. Hell, he could sacrifice a virgin to Satan in the Rose Garden, and the only thing Republicans will care about is unborn babies.”
“POTUS could sacrifice a virgin to Satan in the Rose Garden, and the only thing Republicans will care about is unborn babies.”
Since his appointment, the newest Justice opened a Twitter account with the user name @realMiniT. As of this report, their Tweets have been identical.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
