The Haven
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The Haven

No money was given or contracts signed, despite appearances, during POTUS and Kennedy meeting. (Robin Reid)

POTUS Buys SCOTUS Seat

Loans Kennedy money that he borrowed from Justice’s son

All it took was a brief meeting and a handshake and one of the Supreme Court’s most influential judges surrendered his prized seat. Kennedy gave up the deciding vote on any case regarding the President’s impending indictment.

Justice Kennedy and fellow Reagan nominee Antonin Scalia were considered to be most right wing activists to sit on the bench until the appointments of Roberts and Alito who shifted the bench further to the Right, and Gorsuch who makes the others look like radical leftists. According to the President, however, “With Kennedy gone and McConnell promising to ramrod through whoever I ask for before Independence Day, I don’t have to appease liberal pussies anymore. I can appoint a strict Constitutionalist who will return this country to the Monarchy our founding fathers intended.”

“With Kennedy gone and McConnell promising to ramrod through whoever I ask for before Independence Day, I don’t have to appease liberal pussies anymore. I can appoint a strict Constitutionalist who will return this country to the Monarchy our founding fathers intended.”

Under fire for pushing up a confirmation vote before these elections after delaying the last vote, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “No one cares if we’re consistent but the losers. As long as our big ticket donors are happy, we’re good. And trust me, right now they’re ecstatic.

The President promised he had no litmus test when selecting one of Kennedy’s former law clerks for the seat. “As long as they’re willing to abolish Black v. School Boards, Row v Wade and REINSTATE the Jack Crow laws, that’s all I need to know,” he Tweeted on Saturday.

Saturday Tweet: “As long as they’re willing to abolish Black v. School Boards, Row v Wade and REINSTATE the Jack Crow laws, that’s all I need to know.”

Art of the Steal

According to multiple sources close to the White House, Kennedy’s retirement was the most successful negotiation since the President took office. “This was the art of the deal. By comparison, it makes his deal to abandon our military power in Asia for a vague promise to think about nukes, look like he caved,” one confided.

When I asked if giving up our military presence for a vague promise wasn’t, in fact, caving, the source informed me, “you clearly don’t get the art of the deal. This wasn’t just a deal, this was a steal.”

Sources also confirmed that Trump used Kennedy’s son Justin, Trump’s financial liaison at Deutsche Bank, to leverage the deal.

“He has something on that kid, because he brings him up every time the two men meet,” a second source confirmed. “‘Tony, baby,’ he says, ‘how’s the kid? Has anyone found the bodies yet?’”

“This was the art of the deal. By comparison, it makes (the President’s) deal to abandon our military power in Asia for a vague promise to think about nukes look like he caved.”

This information is evidently well known because it was recently reported in the New York Times and no one at the White House screamed “fake news,” or “arrest the leaker.” But The Haven found out the negotiations between POTUS and Kennedy involved even more wheeling and dealing.

“Turns out 45 loaned Kennedy the money to buy a share in the new Trump Hotels in Moscow, Pyongyang, and Beijing,” a source close to the Cohen investigation revealed. “But here’s the crazy part. Trump loaned Kennedy the money with funds he borrowed through his connections with Justin Kennedy at Deutsche Bank. And the Deutsche Bank investor who funded the loans? Russian oligarch Sergei Roldugin, Putin’s best friend.”

No collusion. At least not Russian collusion.

“So what?” Replied BJ Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelley’s deputy director. “It’s not like they colluded on the election. Or even the cover up. That was handled by different people entirely. Except for POTUS and Putin, of course. This was a simple financial arrangement to cover the President’s ass if Mueller subpoenas anyone, or files charges before we can convince Congress to let the President do his job and fire the bastard.”

“This was a simple financial arrangement to cover the President’s ass if Mueller subpoenas anyone, or files charges before we can convince Congress to let the President do his job and fire the bastard.”

Unfortunately, no one else would confirm our sources story, or even speak to Haven reporters once word got out that we were onto the story. So we’re stuck with one anonymous source from a law enforcement agency we can’t name and a hard drive he supplied with complete financial records. Unfortunately, the records are useless because, as the President stated during a recent press conference, “No one in the GOP gives a shit about finances unless the numbers make the Democrats look bad.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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