POTUS Demands Special Counsel to Investigate the Special Counsel
”Mueller and his todey (sic) Sessions declared war on me”
The White House announced a wholesale sweep at the Justice Department following a warrant and searches of his personal attorney’s home, hotel room and office. The searches were conducted by the Department of Justice’s New York Office and unrelated to the special counsel’s investigation. To the President, however, they’re one in the same.
“There ALL CROOKS,” he Tweeted. “They BROKE IN LIKE TERRORISTS and HELD MY LAWYER HOSTAGE with AK47s. Chained him to the walls in Michael’s PRIVATE S&M playroom.”
The Department of Justice and witnesses at the scene claim the raids were conducted exactly like any other raid, including the raids on campaign aid Paul Manafort. Cohen’s wife Laura told The Haven, “They were nice, polite and carted away hundreds of boxes of paper I’ve been begging Mike to shred for years. So has the President. I finally have a closet and sewing room again. I told them to come back for the dozens of file cabinets behind the hidden door in the play room and they said they would.”
Laura Cohen: “They were nice, polite and carted away hundreds of boxes of paper I’ve been begging Mike to shred for years. So has the President…I told them to come back for the dozens of file cabinets behind the hidden door in the play room.”
“One of these days I’ll have to join the President and Mike during their play sessions and see why they need all the whips and leather,” she added.
The President was so upset he cancelled his meeting at the Summit of the Americas. “Who has time to hobnob with Mexicans WHO WANT TO CARAVAN ACROSS OUR BORDER? Let the militery handle the Mexicans. Mueller and his todey Sessions DECLARED WAR on me.”
POTUS’ legal team tried to explain that the newest probe is unrelated to the Russia Investigation and Mueller’s only involvement was to forward information he uncovered from his sources. This only infuriated 45 further.
Yesterday the President expressed his outrage during a pre-Cabinet press conference when he told reporters, “Michael is a family member and this is an attack on my family.”
New York Times correspondent Maggie Haberman asked, “A family member gave a hooker $130,000 to cover your ass and you wouldn’t pay him back?”
“You know nothing about family,” Trump snapped. “Or real news. Stayed tuned because I’ll give you real news tomorrow.”
Sweeping Changes at Justice
The White House delivered real news this morning when the White House by announcing sweeping changes at the Justice Department. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced that the President plans to dismantle the Department of Justice and replace it with “a whole new law enforcement unit called ‘The J-Team.’[1] He named Michael Cohen as Consigliere. FOX News’ Abby Huntsman agreed to serve as Cohen’s Assistant Consigliere, a double win for the President since she’s a dead ringer for Hope Hicks.”
“FOX News’ Abby Huntsman will join the J-Team as Cohen’s Assistant Consigliere, a double win for the President since she’s a dead ringer for Hope Hicks.”
The biggest surprise was the announcement of a new special prosecutor to investigate the special prosecutor and all crimes related to Hillary Clinton. “Sean Hannity accepted the position of Special Consigliere to The J Team and prove the criminal intent of this witch hunt concocted by Robert Mueller and his employer/lover Crooked Hillary. His mandate extends to her emails, foundation and collusion with Russia to elect the President and create all the chaos in the White House that undermines the public’s confidence in tyranny.”
“You mean democracy?” AP’s Zeke Miller clarified.
“Same difference,” Sanders told him.
“Didn’t the FBI clear Clinton before the election?” asked The Washington Post’s Jenna Johnson.
Sanders replied, “They did and that wasn’t the result we wanted. But you’re not listening. We have definitive evidence of the collusion between Mueller, Crooked Hillary and the Russians.” The press room monitor displayed an image of a naked Mueller and Clinton spooning with Vladimir Putin.
Voice of America’s Steven Herman protested, “That’s photoshopped. Those bodies are airbrushed illustrations.” At the same time CNN’s Vince Acosta demanded, “What will happen to the old Justice Department employees?”
“Who needs them?” Sanders answered. “They’re corrupt and work for Crooked Hillary. Didn’t you see the photo?” She waved her hand toward the image on the monitor.
Newsmax’ John Gizzi challenged. “You can’t replace the Justice Department. It’s illegal. It’s unconstitutional.”
“How many times do we have to tell you,” Sanders snapped. “The President is the law. And the world’s foremost Constitutional scholar. He knows what’s best for all of us.”
“The President is the law. And the world’s foremost Constitutional scholar. He knows what’s best for all of us.”
After the conference the President Tweeted the Mueller/Clinton photograph with the message, “Stop prying into INNOCENT MEN’S sex lives. Here’s the real sex scandal. LOCK THEM ALL UP. (Except you, Vlad. I trust your reasons.)”
Every reply and reTweet, even those from POTUS’ supporters admitted the photograph looked fake. The Haven’s forensic digital specialist, a freshman failing out of the University of the District of Columbia Community College said it was too well done to tell for sure.
When asked if the firings would finally trigger an investigation into POTUS’ obstruction of justice, GOP Congressmen said, “We never drew a red line over Mueller’s firing. More like pink. Let’s see how this plays out.”
[1]: Aka “Justice Team.” White House sources confirm he really wanted to call it “The T team,” but advisors convinced him it would give the appearance of obstruction.
*Image credits: Abby Huntsman: HuffPost Live. Michael Cohen: IowaPolitics.com. Sean Hannity: Gage Skidmore. Robert Mueller: White House. Hillary Clinton: Voice of America. Vladimir Putin: Kremlin.ru.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
