POTUS Furious He Can’t See Olympics Live
Picky distractions keep him from the real action
The President told his staff Wednesday morning that he would see them after the Olympics. He grabbed his travel bag and steered toward the office door. John Kelly stopped him. “You can’t leave, sir. We have a government shutdown looming. Even worse, they reached a compromise in the Senate. “
“Can’t you do anything right?” POTUS demanded. “How can I have any fucking fun if you keep distracting me with government?” He threw an empty Big Mac container at the Oval Office Window. “I’m the fucking CEO. You do my work. Those are the rules. I said at the beginning I was going to run the White House like a business and you keep making it run me.”
“I’m the fucking CEO. You do my work. Those are the rules. I said at the beginning I was going to run the White House like a business and you keep making it run me.”
Two hours later, he tried to sneak out the back door when no one was looking. Secret Service dragged him back to the office shouting, “You work for me. You work for me.”
“How come Pence gets to feel up Kim’s daughter in PoonTang and I don’t? He doesn’t even know how to feel up his wife, much less an unsuspecting girl?” He shouted at Hope Hicks later in the day. When Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned under allegations of spousal abuse, the President complained, “What’s the big deal? They’re whiny little bitches stealing his money through alimony, and I bought front row tickets to the Olympic Games. I even figured out how to charge it to the foreign travel budget.”
An exasperated John Kelly finally brought in two of the Department of Defense’s best programs to build a virtual front row seat to the Olympics. He negotiated a deal to install cameras in every location but the dressing rooms and bathrooms and feed the footage into a program that allows POTUS to view the games and events from any angle.
“No dressing room cameras?” the President complained. “That’s the best part. At Miss Universe I could help them out of their dresses. And they loved it.”
The program allows 45 to see the athletes close up, jump instantly from event to event without walking, feeds up to three news windows into the frame and even prompts him with urgent messages from his Chief of Staff. “That’s the whole reason I wanted to fly to Korea,” he protested. “Other than staring down Kim. I don’t want to be interrupted with picky shit while I ogle the skaters and Tweet about important issues like blacks ruing the Super Bowl with their unpatriotic kneeling.”
The program also allows POTUS to put himself in the games. A White House aid released a picture of 45 posing as a figure skater. I called back to ask why they didn’t slim him down as well. They responded, “there are some things even AI can’t do.”
When asked about the cost, the aid answered, “You know the line in Few Good Men where Nicholson says, ‘You can’t handle the truth?’ We’re in that ball park.”
When asked about the cost, the aid answered, “You know the line in Few Good Men where Nicholson says, ‘You can’t handle the truth?’ We’re in that ball park.”
I asked how the VR program costs compared to the cost of the parade he wants to throw in November. “Don’t even go there,” he replied. “He wanted us to dig up the White House lawn and widen Pennsylvania Avenue so he could line five tanks in a row. ‘What’s a little grass?’ he asked. ‘It’s not like we can charge people to see it.’”
How well is the President taking to the VR program? “We’ve already had six virtual characters complain he tried to grope them.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
