POTUS launches 200 Nukes on N. Korea
Only learns after the fact that his football was a fake
Confidential White House sources revealed to The Haven that the upcoming meeting between POTUS and Kim Jong Un is being backtracked because of “Presidential fumbles on the practice field.” “If you only knew the mishaps during briefings, you wouldn’t be able to sleep,” confided a high-level State Department diplomat.
The informant wouldn’t disclose anymore, but The Haven staff decided to dig until we turned up the 45 mishaps that caused so much concern. This weekend we finally found a reliable source willing to provide the intel. During a briefing to prepare for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, the President launched 200 nuclear ICBMs targeted at Pyongyang and military installations. The Chinese and Russians responded with thousands of warheads, wiping out the Atlantic and Pacific seacoasts.
During a briefing to prepare for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, the President launched 200 nuclear ICBMs targeted at Pyongyang and military installations. The Chinese and Russians responded with thousands of warheads, wiping out the Atlantic and Pacific seacoasts.
Before the warheads reached US Borders NORAD unleashed every weapon in their arsenal, destroying China, Russia, Tibet, Eastern Europe, Pakistan and most of the Middle East. When the exchange ended, more than 2.5 billion people died and the radiation released is expected to kill another billion and a half. The dirt kicked into the atmosphere is expected to block sunlight until 2450 ce.
The President’s response. “You mean half of the red states are still standing, and they’ve got jack shit?” Chief of Staff John Kelly raised his head from his arms long enough to nod yes. POTUS donned his MAGA cap, pumped his fist and declared, “We made America the greatest again.”
The President’s responded. “…half of the red states are still standing, and they’ve got jack shit?” …POTUS donned his MAGA cap, pumped his fist and declared, “We made America the greatest again.”
Only then did his staff inform him that he wasn’t holding the real nuclear football but a simulated device for demonstration purposes. By thoughtlessly fiddling with the buttons POTUS set off a sequence called “The Doomsday Scenario.”
A staff member confided in confidence to The Haven, “You’d think the world’s most intelligent man in the history of intelligent men would’ve figured out that if the Russians sank the East Coast, he wouldn’t have made it to the end of the game.”
“You’d think the world’s most intelligent man in the history of intelligent men would’ve figured out that if the Russians sank the East Coast, he wouldn’t have made it to the end of the game.”
When informed that he unleashed nothing more than a game scenario, the President reportedly replied, “You mean I have to do it again? Will it work the same way if we do it for real?”
His disappointment over avoiding nuclear war increased to rage when he realized his staff held back the real football. Aids had already responded to a nuclear emergency when he tried to use the first fake nuclear football to take down North Korea before the Olympics. “We gave him a football with the nuclear symbol on the side,” admitted Lance Boyle III, the Department of Defense’s Assistant Secretary for Keeping the President from Starting The Next World War. “He tried to nuke Korea as a Valentine’s present to the world. Everyone thinks he’s mad that he’s can’t withdraw from Syria now that we sent the missiles. He’s really mad about being given another fake football.”
The new fake football resembles a keypad in a briefcase, an idea the White House stole from a popular movie. When asked to deliver the real football, Mattis told him, “We lost it.”
Boyle told The Haven that POTUS gave Mattis three days to find it. “But you know what that means. When he doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll scream and Tweet about Hillary and Russia for two straight days. Then something else will piss him off.”
“When he doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll scream and Tweet about Hillary and Russia for two straight days. Then something else will piss him off.”
We asked Boyle if the President’s unpredictability bothered the staff. “Why do you think we keep making fake footballs?” He replied. “At this point we’re afraid he’ll press a button, just cause it’s there, and accidentally unlock the real codes a programmer forgot to secure.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
