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Taking over for Sara Huckabee Sanders, the President explains why he signed the new spending bill without signing it. (VOA News)

POTUS Locks Down Future Budgets

”In our minds I vetoed this bill.”

Promising to never sign a similar spending bill, the President asked American’s to visualize his veto. “Yes, my hand signed it, but in our minds I vetoed this bill. When you think back on this moment, remember I didn’t do this. Congress did. They forced me to sign using the military as their weapon.”

The President changed the dynamics of this press conference by taking the roles of Communication Director and White House Spokesman. To emphasize how much he intended to shake up his staff, he wore Sander’s attire and a Hope Hicks name tag. Nor did he allow questions, in keeping with his new “my way or the highway” management style.

“You can blame this deal on Democrats,” POTUS claimed. “They abandoned DACA completely, there’s not a word in this bill about DACA, which means Mexicans will vote for me now, and stuck us with this terrible, awful bill that gives us nothing. A bilI that I signed to strengthen the military but in exchange I gave away silly, stupid wasteful things. Money for education, for health care, the environment. Things no one needs, or even wants. Let’s face it, if education was a voter priority they wouldn’t have voted for me.”

“I signed to strengthen the military but in exchange I gave away silly, stupid wasteful things. Money for education, for health care, the environment. Things no one needs, or even wants. Let’s face it, if education was a voter priority they wouldn’t have voted for me.”

The President paused to untangle his wig from the microphone stand and finally pulled the stubborn strands from the wig’s mesh. “Democrats don’t understand negotiation. I offered them a super strong, powerful and efficient military and brand new weapons made with Trump steel, and they said, ‘No thanks, we want something else.’ What kind of negotiation is that?”

He adjusted his girdle and his stomach burst the seems of his dress. Instead of changing outfits, he reached inside and scratched between his legs. “There are two strategies to negotiation. I offer you empty promises, you accept them and give me what I want, or I tell you what’s on the table and you take it. They’re not kids. They don’t get free candy from me.”

“There are two strategies to negotiation. I offer you empty promises, you accept them and give me what I want, or I tell you what’s on the table and you take it. Democrats aren’t kids. They don’t get free candy from me.”

Next POTUS showed the key items of the budget that sent spending out of control. By his calculation, nearly two hundred million of the $1.3 billion bill went to “wasteful items the Democrats want.”

POTUS’ strategy for future bills

He closed by proposing new rules to lock down future budgets:

  1. Eliminate the filibuster.
  2. Give him the power to line item veto anything in any legislation (even if it isn’t budget related).
  3. Democrats count as one-half a person. Therefor their vote is worth one-half too.

“Fraction people are in the Constitution,” 45 expounded. “Read it. My people have. And believe me, half is more than they’re worth.”

“Fraction people are in the Constitution,” 45 expounded. “Read it. My people have. And believe me, half is more than they’re worth.”

As he passed through the door a freshman reporter for the Chicago Tribune shouted, “Is it true you’re replacing your entire staff with ‘yes men?’“

He leaned his hand against the frame, and broke a heel. “Let me tell you. I only needed one apprentice to run the highest rated TV show ever. I don’t even need that to run the Federal Government. I don’t want ‘yes men,’ I want ‘do men.’ I tell them what I want and they do it without sharing their unwanted opinions.”

A man boob popped from his bra and Secret Service officials ushered him away. He continued to answer, raising his voice, “No staff, no leakers.” Reporters couldn’t find White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders — or any other staff members — for comment.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.