POTUS: “Never Glorify Violence”
Shoots six CPAC members while he shows off gun
This week’s highly publicized CPAC conference featured rousing and controversial speeches by the President and NRA’s Wayne LaPierre. The controversial nature of their comments came as no surprise, and, perhaps, was anticipated.
Not expected? The disappearance, without explanation, of a half dozen conference attendees. Authorities first learned of the disappearances when Mary Sue Ratzschuter of Litterbox, Texas reported to police that her husband never arrived home after the conference.
“He goes every year,” she claimed. “I’d like to go with him, but he tells me not to worry my pretty head or he’ll give me something to worry about. So I figure it’s just boys being boys, but he allus comes home after.” [1]
Police thought he was just being one of the boys too until husbands in Skeettrap, Missouri and Koonchaser, Alabama failed to report as well.
By morning six husbands failed to arrive or phone home. All of them, it turns out, belonged to the Benevolent Order of Weapons Collectors who prefer the moniker “Deerkillers.” Members meet at CPAC every year and buy a block of seats in the front three rows.
Other members of the brotherhood claimed to know nothing of their friends’ disappearances. FBI initially suspected them of accidentally killing their friends in a club ritual. But one member finally confessed their silence was purchased by the highest authority in the land, POTUS.
When the suspect wouldn’t provide additional information, skeptical FBI agents questioned White House staff to confirm the story was bogus, only to be told by Chief of Staff Kelly, “You can’t even do your job right when kids get killed and now you want to draw us into another Russia witch hunt?”
FBI Director Wray, still seething over the President’s previous gaslighting of his agency, ordered a full investigation, beginning with POTUS. Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his assistant Rod Rosenstein, also victims of Presidential gaslighting, backed him. A quick but quiet investigation revealed what happened to the victims.
POTUS, who told the CPAC audience to “never glorify violence,” and to leave safety to “qualified and adept professionals,” immediately launched into a description of the joy Americans would feel when the next shooter shows up at a “protected campus,” whips out his “criminally insane and insanely illegal semi-automatic that allows only criminals to own guns” only to be greeted by “three adept good guy teachers, who love their students like their own precious baby children, three adept heroes with Glocks and Desert Eagles. His brains and blood will be spattered all over the high school gym, and we’ll applaud, given those teachers medals because they’re adept and don’t glorify violence like these sick shooters who will be blasted to little bits. Picture it. Atomized by the barrage of bullets from our adept heroic teachers. We’ll leap up from our couches and cheer because we don’t glorify violence and watching their bodies being zipped into body bags instead of our precious children and because the sight of our adept countermeasures will be better than a movie with Arnold, let me tell you.”
Never glorify violence, but imagine the joy Americans would feel when three adept good guy teachers, three adept heroes with Glocks and Desert Eagles. spattered the shooter’s brains and blood all over the high school gym.
With the deafening applause filling the room, the President was reluctant to move on, and pressed, “Imagine if you were one of those adept teachers, and you could be, we all could be with effort and serious training and the tiny little detail of a teaching degree, which is nothing, let me tell you, I have more teaching degrees than any teacher in the history of teaching, imagine the thrill when you pull out your custom made, hand-tooled, pearl and gold inlaid Desert Eagle which your son Don Jr. gave you and you can pack concealed because you’re the President, you whip it out and empty the clip into that sick, mentally deranged, violence glorifying shooter.”
At that point 45 pulled a pearl handled, gold-inlaid Desert Eagle and emptied the clip to demonstrate, killed six members of the Benevolent Order of Weapons Collectors and injured three more as well. Stray bullets from his weapon destroyed the conference’s state-of-the-art sound system, and parted Mike Pence’s hair.
POTUS pulled a pearl handled, gold-inlaid Desert Eagle and emptied the clip to demonstrate, killed six members of the Benevolent Order of Weapons Collectors and injured three more as well.
POTUS wiped his forehead and added, “that was a demonstration, let me tell you. You can thank these brave guys in the front row for playing along. Get up so the people can give you a hand, boys.” Kelly and Secret Service members ushered him off the stage, and the CPAC moderator told the audience. “That’s what happens when you’re not adept. Which the President isn’t. But imagine how bad that would have been had you not been packing.”
Audience members who panicked and were unable to grab their own guns before the President emptied his clip, applauded and were ushered into the conference dining hall where they were given free drinks and showed videos of Don, Jr. hunting endangered elephants and tigers. “It was the best show I ever seen,” said Wyoming delegate Doug Ullable.
Kelly denies the truth of the story, and refuses to allow the President to speak with the FBI. We’ll be invoking executive privilege, which is perfectly acceptable because this is just another witch hunt by the Hillary directed FBI.
[1]: ”Allus,” apparantly, is the local dialect for “always.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
