POTUS Pisses on Iran Agreement
”When they see my deal they’ll beg to sign”
Wednesday May 9, 2018
With a surprise announcement that surprised no one, America’s President unilaterally withdrew from our nuclear agreement with Iran. He labelled the agreement — an agreement that involved dozens of countries and required two years to negotiate, “The worst deal in history. An absolute disaster. I wanted Iran to give up their missiles and all they gave us was their nukes. That is sad. Sad, sad, sad.”
He added that if the White House had invited him to participate, which he volunteered to do, “we’d’ve have a good deal. A true deal. When I got through with them they would have given us their land, their oil, and their people as slaves. Not that we want slaves, but we’d have them to use. Just in case. Which would be awesome.”
The President promised that when he finishes dismantling the current deal the Iranians would return for a new one. “When the towelheads see my deal they’ll beg to sign,” he said. “This deal will give so much back to the US and take so many concessions from them, they’ll say, ‘Where do our names go?’”
“When the towelheads see my deal they’ll beg to sign,” he said. “This deal will give so much back to the US and take so many concessions from them, they’ll say, ‘Where do our names go?’”
Even the usually supportive Jon Decker of FOX News expressed doubt. “Excuse me, Mr. President, but why would the Iranians sign a deal where we get everything and they give everything up?”
“Because I’m the dealmaker,” he replied. “And because deep in their hearts the Iranians know that the only way to make Iran great again is to make America even greater.”
“The Iranians hate America,” ABC’s Jonathan Karl objected.
“They hate Obama,” the President replied. “They love me. All I need is an hour to address the Iranians personally and they’ll lick the shit from my shoes. You’ll see.”
“They hate Obama. They love me. All I need is an hour to address the Iranians personally and they’ll lick the shit from my shoes. You’ll see.”
“Aren’t you worried the North Koreans will be less willing to make a deal if they know you might break it later on? Or, if not you, the next administration?” the New York Times’ Carl Hulse asked.
“I broke Obama’s deal. Not one of mine. Trust me, the deal I make with the North Koreans will be such a good deal that even a Harvard educated moron like Obama wouldn’t want to back out.”
When asked if he wasn’t afraid his decision might lead to war in the Middle East, the President admitted, “Maybe a little one. But when they see the full shock and awe of America’s military might under me, they’ll fall to their knees and beg. Mission accomplished for good.”
Private ceremony follows announcement
Following his formal announcement, the President and select supporters — who donated more than a million dollars apiece to his campaign and “always had my back” — retired to the Rose Garden for a closed ceremony in which he pissed on the original agreement.
“It was very satisfying,” admitted Ollie Garkovsky, a Russian trillonaire who supplies the fuel for Trump hotels worldwide. “With new sanctions, Iran will be desperate for a black market supplier to buy their oil. But pissing on the document? In public? Brilliant. It reminds me off the time Putin sent me with hookers to the Donald’s room and….” Unfortunately, Chief of Staff John Kelly led Garkovsky away before he could finish the story.
“With new sanctions, Iran will be desperate for a black market supplier to buy their oil. But pissing on the document? In public? Brilliant. It reminds me off the time Putin sent me with hookers to the Donald’s room…”
Once the document dried, the President ordered Kelly to frame and add it to his bookshelf in the Oval Office. Kelly delegated the responsibility to an aide, but POTUS insisted he perform the task himself. “No gloves either. Besides, you can peel the skin after you’ve done it and sell it for a hundred thousand dollars on eBay. That’s how much those Midwest Muckbunnies love me.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
