POTUS’ Secret Society Ties Revealed
President welcomed and promptly dismissed for violating rules
A Haven exclusive
When a Haven researcher stumbled onto an article connecting dictators to the Easter speeches, a pile of seemingly unrelated Presidential miscellany suddenly made sense to our researchers. Every Haven writer spent their weekends sorting through thousands of articles about 45 dating back to 1970.[1]
After weeks of reading, verifying, fact chekking,[2] and cultivating an inside source, we can release our findings to readers. For many this information will be unbelievable. Mainly because they still believe the president never grabbed a pussy, he was merely talking “locker room talk” with Billy Bush. [3] Many[4] readers will say, “Tell me something new. I never doubted it for a minute.”
Nonetheless, we present our results, exclusive to The Haven.
The Optimi Privilegiatæ
The Optimi Privilegiatæ, a secret society of dictators, meets twice a year to plan world events. They instigate revolutions, assassinations and even world wars for one reason: to manipulate world markets and line their coffers or the coffers of their sponsors. They pass their secrets to new mentors whom they deem ready after a long period of observation.
The society’s membership is blue chip and historical, including six popes, four czars, twelve European rulers (including Oliver Cromwell), and twentieth century indignataries such as Belgium’s King Leopold, Stalin, Hitler,[5] and Mussolini. The membership is also exclusively white male.[6]
Vladimir Putin put the President’s name before the council during the 2015 primaries. When they realized he was upsetting the field, the society secretly funded key primaries to boost him over the top. Once he secured the nomination, they honored Putin’s request to fund efforts to influence the American election.
“Were we successful? Impossible to measure. The man’s an idiot. But we definitely controlled the outcome of the election.”
An entry in minutes from late 2017 quotes China’s Xi Jinping: “Were we successful? Impossible to measure. The man’s an idiot. But we definitely controlled the outcome of the election.”
45’s rise and fall as Optimi Privilegiatæ member
Records show that once the President took office, he bungled the job so badly the council wanted to remove his nomination. Putin and Xi convinced them to vote for his election with the argument, “give him instructions, then short every investment that will be affected because he does the exact opposite.”
Members officially elected 45 in late 2017, but on probation. The first initiate to ever enter the organization with that restriction. Reports indicate the Optimi Privilegiatæ revoked his membership before the new year for repeated violations of their secrecy requirements. Members are forbidden to mention, write about or make any public gesture that suggests the existence of, or their membership in the organization.
The Optimi Privilegiatæ revoked his membership before the new year for repeated violations of their secrecy requirements.
In spite of the ban, 45’s picture was published in a German newspaper showing him wearing his initiation outfit outside their secret Berlin headquarters. To add to the insult, he tagged his corporate logo on the four-hundred-year-old stone exterior. According to our source, he wasn’t even wearing the society’s official robe, but a joke outfit substituted by Xi and Putin. When accused of tagging their wall, POTUS replied, “I didn’t tag the wall. I hired someone. I wouldn’t have smeared the paint.”
The second strike came when the Society learned 45 wore his ceremonial military uniform at Mar-A-Lago. When asked, he would tell guests, “Super secret halloween came late this year.” They took the uniform away. They gave him one more strike only because of Putin’s pleas.[7]
When accused of tagging their wall, POTUS replied, “I didn’t tag the wall. I hired someone. I wouldn’t have smeared the paint.”
The final strike came when the President Tweeted about his membership, claiming the society would fix the Special Counsel’s investigation. Readers should note, the President’s not-so-tough “toughness on Russia” followed soon after, as did the first salvos of his trade war against China. The frequency and bitterness of his Tweets increased as well.
The President became the first member in the history of Optimi Privilegiatæ membership to be removed from the society for cause.
[1]: Many of them written by John Baron and John Miller (i.e., The President).
[2]: But, like the President, not spell checking.
[3]: Those readers aren’t likely to read this article anyway. Or read anything for that matter.
[4]: i.e., anyone who reads.
[5]: Records show that Hitler and Stalin met routinely during World War II, and apparently got along well. They enjoyed retiring after the meetings and bragging about who sent more dissidents to the death camps.
An inside source also forwarded a receipt in the President’s handwriting asking to see transcripts of their meetings so he could learn how to mimic their methods with “the fake news and witch hunting special council.” The Haven didn’t include it in the body of this article because we couldn’t verify its authenticity. But we know it’s true.
[6]: With the lone exception of Catherine the Great who is believed to have seduced and murdered her way onto the council. One society historian commented in their secret records, “She should have been a man but God forgot to give her a penis, for which she made the world pay dearly.”
[7]: Xi apparently withdrew his support.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
