Power Interview Tips from Someone Who Should be Doing Better.
Are you looking to ace a job interview?
Then good news. I interview very well. Very well, and that is a useful trait to have because I frequently get fired. It’s never my fault. Every single firing was the result of either a misunderstanding, poor management, bad training, unhelpful co-workers, sketchy business practices, or somebody else. Sadly, there is no common denominator that runs through all the situations that have led to my firing. If only there was one.
I am here to help you. The following advice will blow the socks off your interviewer, landing you the job and probably a significant raise. Use these lessons well and you will be like a katana slicing through your opponents.
Please note that none of these tips have been tried in an annual review.
Before. The interview starts before the interview. You want to set the tone. When you have been selected for an interview, you will receive an email with an invite to your interview. It’s important to respond, but in a way that asserts your dominance. (Feel free to use the following template.)
“K”
That’s all it takes. Your path is now set.
The Interview. You’ll want to arrive fashionably late for an in-person interview. The only thing that looks more needy than arriving on time is arriving early. Only losers do that. Hopefully, twenty to thirty minutes late, they have assumed you are not coming and have begun to interview the next candidate. Perfect.
Do not knock. Throw open the door and look the interviewee in the eye. “You can leave. I am here.” This power move works on two fronts.
a) It sets out your stance as a person who doesn’t mess around.
b) By disrupting the candidates’ interviews, you can be sure they are not getting the job. That’s a rival seen off.
An interview online is slightly different. You can’t be late for that, so you’re going to have to look off-screen every few minutes and mouth words. This makes you look important. Throw in a thumbs-up every now and then. If you can have someone come in shot, that helps too. You’ll look so important when you’re constantly interrupted, and they’ll want someone important. Your background is very important to a lot of novices will say blur the background out. No, use your background as your canvas. Leave a few objects in the background that will spark conversation. I suggest something fun, like a teddy bear or mascot, or an item of sports or movie memorabilia to show your passions outside work. I like to leave a sword or two in the shot too. This shows I have a take no prisoners attitude.
Jargon. You need people to know that you know your stuff. That’s why it’s important to pepper your conversation with industry jargon. “It’s a non-linear, ad-hoc, post-ironic pincer action.” That sentence works anywhere. It rams home how much you know about the subject. Drop in a few old terms to show how long you’ve been in the industry, and you’re off to the races. To seal the deal, put in a few cutting-edge terms. You can easily find these terms on Google. If they ask you to clarify any of your terms, scoff and reply, “I think we all know what… means.” This shows you are not going to waste time with trivial questions. This gets you out of every sticky situation.
Subtly. It’s not all about the domineering, full-throttle stance you take. You need to add a little subtly to your performance. For that’s what this is: A performance by both sides similar in many ways to a beautiful Japanese Kabuki performance. Job interviews were once described as the only time that both parties can lie to each other.
You will dance around each other, acting like you care more about the work you’ll be doing than you do about money, and they will act like they care more about you than the profit you produce.
To underline how important subtly is, imagine you and another candidate are in the running for the job. It’s likely you’ll get the position because of the subtly. But how can you use it?
At any point after the first three questions, direct your gaze at a female on the interview panel and, when the time feels right, throw in a subtle wink with a little sexual innuendo.
“As I’m sure you know, there is a stopcock (Wink) on these machines, and if it’s not fully opened after being flushed out (Wink), then they have a tendency to explode (Wink) all over the place. (Wink). “ I find it best to concentrate on one female, but you may want to mix it up a bit and spread them around.
Questions. They are going to ask you if you have any questions. This is it. This is your time to shine. You’ve wowed them with your confidence. You’ve shown them you take the job seriously and you know the jargon. You’ve even wowed them with your animal magnetism.
Your questions need to be original, insightful, concise, and brilliant. My go to is “How much you paying?” This lets them know that, like them, you are interested in money.
Go forth and get that job
