RELIGIOUS ADVICE: TALLADEGA SILENT NIGHTs

Pray to 30-Something Jesus, Not Baby Jesus.

What kind of person prays to a baby?

When people pray to Baby Jesus, what the hell are they taking about? He didn’t have his superpowers then. That’s like asking for Baby Superman to save the world. It’s just idiotic. Jesus needed to grow into his superpowers.

If you follow along, I’ll dissuade you from praying to a baby, and have you pray to an early 30-something man, like you should.

Jesus didn’t get his Jedi powers until he was baptized in the Jordan River, near the town of Bethany, at about the age of 30. Baby Jesus was just a baby lying on a pile of hay most days. So which of the two would you ask guidance from?

Baby Jesus wasn’t at the Wedding of Cana — where he does his first miracle of turning water into wine. Grown up Jesus was. Just ask his mom. She was there, since she didn’t need a babysitter anymore. If Jesus was still a baby, Mary wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

Baby Jesus doesn’t perform any miracles. I’d be surprised if Baby Jesus was even potty trained in a timely manner. Why? Because his baby life was nothing to write home about. Or publish, in a Bible.

Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness to be tested. Was he on acid? Tripping on mushrooms? Just vibin’? It doesn’t matter. Baby Jesus wasn’t there, learning anything. 30-year old Jesus was. Since he went through the test, he knows all the answers. So pray to that guy, not some untested baby.

Jesus knew he’d die for our sins, so he started turning up the superpowers. He raised Lazurus from the dead. His greatest feat. Baby Jesus raised a bottle to his mouth, at best.

Some heroes are made, not born. But with Jesus you could argue it was both. We do need a Baby Jesus. But he was made into something through his experiences later in life, like going away for all four years of college. Sometimes you become the person you are when you finally leave the daily scope of your parents, even for a little while.

He switched religions later in his life. Some American followers still don’t realize this. Baby Jesus was Jewish. 30-something Jesus is Christian. Just for inventing a new religion, you have to respect the ingenuity.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Baby Jesus. So innocent, tender and mild. But if you’re going to pray to someone, pray to an adult.