Premature Election 2024. Part 1 (Don’t Rain On My Parade).
On Wednesday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks Levelling Up is what the pilot on his private jet does after experiencing turbulence, called a snap general election.
Six weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Thursday morning, 23rd May
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….Are you sure the Da Hong Pao is the most expensive….?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Oh, making my mind slow, That’s why I don’t fuck with the big 4-O, Bro, I got to maintain, ’Cause a Tory like me is going insane. Do you want the good news or the bad news Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: Have to go. [puts phone down] ….If I must play this game, the good news.
Michael Gove: No one won the book….
Rishi Sunak: The ‘book?’
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you? We had bets on when you would call the general election, no one guessed correctly so the money will be donated to charity. The Frank Hester anti-Woke defence fund.
Rishi Sunak: The bad news?
Michael Gove: I need to give you these….
Rishi Sunak: Dry cleaning bill receipts?!?
Michael Gove: There was a fair amount of coffee spat out when you made the announcement.
Rishi Sunak: Seriously?
Michael Gove: Actually I misspoke. Some are for a tea called, ‘Da Hong, Pao?’ Covering the costs won’t be a problem for someone as rich as you, Rishi.
Rishi Sunak: Gadzooks, not that wealth thing again?
Michael Gove: Sunak, you’re a billionaire…..
Rishi Sunak: I’m a multi-millionaire. My wealth is actually quite modest.
Michael Gove: Apologies for the inflation. Nonetheless the voting public think this ‘modest wealth’ means you’re out of touch.
Rishi Sunak: Some of my closest associates say otherwise. I’m tired of this slander.
[Rishi Sunak presses button on desk console]
Rishi Sunak: Crighton, can you join us please?
[Crighton enters room]
Crighton: How may I help?
Rishi Sunak: Mr Gove thinks I’m out of touch.
Crighton: Piffle. You are the most down to earth person I have ever known.
Rishi Sunak: Thank-you.
[Crighton leaves]
Michael Gove: Who was that?
Rishi Sunak: My manservant.
Michael Gove: Admirable.
Thursday afternoon, 23rd May
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….Vote Labour and change our country. Thank-you. I’ll just take some quick questions.
Journalist: Mr Starmer, on October 11th on LBC you said, “’Israel has the right’ to withhold power and water from Palestinian civilians.” These comments have obviously cost you much of the Muslim vote. How will Labour get these voters back?
Keir Starmer: I think it should be pointed out that the horrendous situation in Gaza has deeply moved many many people in this country across many demographics. To suggest that the situation in Gaza is something that only Muslims care about is slightly disingenuous. [winks to Shabana Mahmood].
Shabana Mahmood, Shadow Secretary of State for Justice [muttering]: Smooth. Real smooth.
Keir Starmer: Further to your question, there was a context for my comments and as the situation has evolved so has Labour’s position. Next please?
Journalist [whispering to Journalist next to them]: What’s this word ‘context’ he speaks of?
Journalist [whispering]: No idea mate.
Journalist: Mr Starmer, after you said, “’Israel has the right’ to withhold power and water from Palestinian civilians,” it clearly cost you amongst the Muslim vote. What work will you do to restore confidence amongst the Muslim community?
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party [whispering]: Mate, just admit you fucked up.
Keir Starmer [muttering]: Not now Gingernuts. …. As I said with my previous answer, Labour’s policy has evolved over time. Labour has called for a ceasefire and Labour believes in a two-state solution, with a Palestinian state alongside a safe and secure Israel, this is the only credible basis for long-term peace. Palestinians must be assured their future will not be like the past, that they and their children will be able to enjoy the security, opportunities and rights that we take for granted. Next please?
Journalist: Mr Starmer, it has been said that the election campaign unofficially began sometime ago, however only yesterday we heard the starting pistol. Are you happy with how things are going so far? Or do you regret saying, “’Israel has….’”
Keir Starmer: Look! Short of building a time machine, going back in time and not saying what I said, what can I do to make you move on?
[silence]
Journalist: Mr Starmer, how much will this time machine cost?
Journalist: Will this time machine be part of infrastructure spending, Mr Starmer?
Journalist: Mr Starmer, will you be securing private investment for project ‘time machine?’
Journalist: Do you not think it’s a waste of public money to build a time machine so you can go back in time to your LBC interview, Mr Starmer, when you could go back in time and assassinate Hitler?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
