Premature Election 2024. Part 2 (Rational Service).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks a crisis loan is a character out of a Star Wars spin off, like the other party leaders, is on the election campaign trail.
The media make an issue of Rishi Sunak visiting breweries or a pubs, they say, “The Prime Minister doesn’t drink.” I work in a warehouse, where I often repack Tampons. What’s your point?
Not a party leader, but the Honorary President of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, a man so reactionary he starts every sentence with, “This may sound racist, but,” confirmed he would not be standing as an MP in the election. The man, who so loved his country that he made it his life’s mission to ensure the UK left the EU, is fucking off to America to support the Trump re-election campaign. Brexit.
Five and a bit weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Sunday Evening, 26th May
Me: ….Afternoon squire.
Fly: Evening.
Me: Did you know National Service ran from 1949 to 1960 for “physically fit” males between the ages of 17 and 21? I’m old enough to remember when it became a topic of discussion back in the 80s. I recall a reporter Vox Popping and asking a woman if bringing it back were a good idea, she said, “Yes.” The reporter then asked if bringing it back and including women were a good idea, she said, “No.”
Fly: Sorry, I drifted off when you said, “I’m old enough to remember.”
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….Hello, yes, I’m interested in purchasing a private jet. Renting is a mug’s game….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Fiddle-fee, fiddle-fie, fiddle-foe, fiddle-fum, I smell the blood of an English Muffin, huffin’ and puffin’, sellin’ his soul, J-E-L-L-O, ya know?
Rishi Sunak: Have to go. [puts phone down] ….Maybe I should’ve asked if they give discounts for cash….?
Michael Gove: That’s new [pointing to ornament]. Is it from the National Museum?
Rishi Sunak: I do not shop on Etsbay.
Michael Gove: ‘Ebay.’ You really are out of touch aren’t you?
Rishi Sunak: I’m sorry to hear you’re stepping down Michael. Our donors investing in our key battlegrounds weren’t enough to make you stay?
Michael Gove: Money isn’t everything, Rishi.
[silence]
Michael Gove: Apologies. I have just said that to a multi-millionaire. I have to give you these.
Rishi Sunak: More dry cleaning bill receipts?!? What are they for this time?
Michael Gove: A fair amount of coffee and tea was spat out when the National Service announcement was made. Half are from pals against the policy, and half are from, well, this Whatsapp message sums up the other reactions, “Oh my Thatcher. We’re bringing back National Service. I’ve just creamed my Harrods pants.”
Rishi Sunak: At least it’s positive. I’m actually looking forward to my daughters doing National Service.
Michael Gove: What do your daughters think?
Rishi Sunak: Sorry, I don’t understand the question.
Monday Morning, 27th May
Me: ….MP’s offices are quite pokey ain’t they?
Fly: Quiet.
Richard Holden, Chairman of the Conservative Party: ….Got the Brexit dividends?
Jonathan Gullis, MP for Stoke-on-Trent North: Yep, the finest British popcorn and the finest British Dandelion & Burdock drinks.
Richard Holden: Turn the sound up, he’s about to start the press conference. Let’s see what The Fright of the Realm has to say.
Jonathan Gullis: “Fright of the Realm.” Nailed it.
[20 minutes later]
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….Saturday I was in Stafford and I was with a couple…. One of them was a paramedic and her wife worked in a jewellery shop….
Richard Holden: [spitting out drink] Her wife!?!
Jonathan Gullis: [spitting out drink] Wife!?!
Richard Holden: Woke Labour.
Jonathan Gullis: Avocado-eating, chai latte drinking, sourdough with almond butter Wokerati’
Richard Holden: Our clothes are a mess. Ring Gove.
[slightly later] Monday morning, 27th May
Me: ….Just made it.
Fly: Shush. He’s about to finish.
Keir Starmer: ….The choice is yours. You can stop the chaos, you can turn the page, you can join with us, and together we can rebuild our country. Thank you.
1st Labour Activist: Another good speech.
2nd Labour Activist: Mmm. There’s many saying he isn’t saying enough about the situation in Gaza. It’ll cost us votes, including Muslim votes.
1st Labour Activist: Really? You’ve got a Tory party who can’t bring themselves to say the word ‘Islamophobia,’ GBNews and TalkTV being openiy Islamophobic, and Farage saying, “Muslims are against British values.” Maybe voters need to concentrate less on foreign affairs, focus more on domestic threats, get off their fat arses, hold their noses and put an X in the Labour box.
2nd Labour Activist: That’s offensive.
1st Labour Activist: OK. Obese arses.
Tuesday Evening, 26th May
Ellie Reeves, Labour Party Deputy National Campaign Coordinator: ….God I’m bored. I can’t believe how well the campaign is going. It’s like a dream come true….
Rachel Reeves, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer: …. [muttering] So you carry the 5 billion….
Ellie Reeves: Don’t you ever get bored of sums?
Rachel Reeves: You know I’m Shadow Chancellor, right? Haven’t you got campaign slogans to come up with?
Ellie Reeves [opening laptop]: Killjoy. [reading email] “RE: Abbott?”
[door bursts open]
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party: Evening ladies!
Ellie Reeves [whispering]: Yes, you’re a queen.
Rachel Reeves: Don’t you ever knock?
Angela Rayner: People out, occasionally. You need to sort that two-child benefit limit.
Rachel Reeves: Money’s too tight.
Ellie Reeves: To mention! Simply Red!
Rachel Reeves: I won’t play fast and loose with the economy.
Angela Rayner: Now you sound like a fucking Tory. Gordon Brown says it should be scrapped, I thought you were a fan?
Rachel Reeves: Only when he agrees with me. There will be no increases in Income Tax or National Insurance.
Angela Rayner: Can’t you find some cash down the back of one of those metaphorical sofas or something? You used to work for that bank in England?
Rachel Reeves: “Of.”
Angela Rayner: Don’t you dare swear at me!
Ellie Reeves: I’ve got it! I’ve got the best slogan ever, and it’ll especially appeal to Scots voters. “It’s the economy, numptee.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
