Premature Election 2024. Part 3 (It’s All Very Taxing Isn’t It).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks union rights are what you call UK laws, like the other party leaders, is on the election campaign trail.
Party leader, Richard Tice, a man so Brexity that when he sees a bottle of French Dressing he immediately thinks, “This is why we left the EU,” launched Reform’s election campaign by incessantly moaning about immigration.
Elsewhere, Leader of the Liberal Democrats Sir Ed Davey, a man who loves a campaign launch gimmick, is in serious danger of turning that well-known phrase, “Election stunt,” into rhyming slang.
Finally, yesterday John Swinney, leader of the SNP (Scottish National Party) formally launched the party’s general election campaign and urged Scots to, “vote SNP to put Scotland’s interests first,” presumably because others in Scotland cannae be trusted to do so because everything is Westminster’s fault.
Four and a bit weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Friday Evening, 31st May
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….Hello, yes, I’m interested in purchasing a train. I rather enjoyed my trip on one the other day. I sent my daughters photos and they seemed quite keen to….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Now we crash through walls, cut through floors, Bust through ceilings and knock down doors.
Rishi Sunak: Have to go. [puts phone down] .
Michael Gove: How’s the electioneering going Rishi? Please don’t say, “Very well.”
Rishi Sunak: True. This is no time for modesty. It’s going tremendously. Although, there was, an incident.
Michael Gove: A young woman making faces in the background?
Rishi Sunak: No no no. I was explaining that we will not be increasing VAT, income tax rates and National Insurance, and how we will be driving down debt, when a man’s hand shot up and said, “You’re a billionaire. If the country’s short of cash just write us a cheque.”
Michael Gove: And how did you respond?
Rishi Sunak: Obviously I politely pointed out that I was in fact, a multi-millionaire.
Michael Gove: But of course, you did, Rishi. I am here to give you this, don’t worry, it’s not dry cleaning receipts.
Rishi Sunak: “You are cordially invited to the, ‘Leaving Parliament Party.’”
Michael Gove: We wouldn’t have been able to have organised it without you. You will know everyone there.
Rishi Sunak: Really?
Michael Gove: Yes, Rishi, it’s a ‘Leaving Parliament Party.’ Well at least none of us will be signing on.
Rishi Sunak: “Signing on?”
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you?
Early Saturday afternoon, June 1st
Keir Starmer: ….I dealt with that issue yesterday. I am very innocent.
1st Labour Activist: ….Diane Abbott is a trailblazer. She’s opened doors….
2nd Labour Activist: Mmm. Perhaps not to Jews, Irish and Travellers, because she thinks they experience prejudice, but are not subject to racism. It’s always the Jews isn’t it?
1st Labour Activist: That’s unfair.
2nd Labour Activist: Is it though? That was her point wasn’t it? Apparently they can pass as White. Why would she open a door for them?
1st Labour Activist: Anyway, she’s been treated dreadfully.
2nd Labour Activist: Mind you, the day after she told the BBC she was banned from standing as a Labour candidate, she told us all we could pre-order her memoir. So it’s swings and roundabouts isn’t it?
1st Labour Activist: It all looked racist.
2nd Labour Activist: Just cos it looks racist doesn’t mean it’s racist. The very White Nick Brown MP was suspended in September 2022 following a complaint. The complaint never got resolved and in December he said he would be standing down at the next election as, Labour’s complaints system was “fundamentally and inexcusably flawed”. Perhaps Labour is just bad at bureaucracy stuff.
1st Labour Activist: Ready for government.
Sunday Evening, 2nd June
Rachel Reeves, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer: …. [muttering] Where did I put my big calculator….?
Ellie Reeves, Labour Party Deputy National Campaign Coordinator: ….I’ve a joke! What is a Chancellor of the Exchequer’s favourite band?
Rachel Reeves: Sum 41. You’re not the first to tell that joke Ellie. Please get back to work.
[door bursts open]
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party: Evening comrades!
Ellie Reeves [whispering]: Amazonian.
[phone plays, ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’ by LL Cool Jay]
Rachel Reeves: Into 90s Hip Hop are we now Ange?
Angela Rayner: Someone sent it to me a couple of days ago. I can’t think why.
Rachel Reeves: Maybe it has something to do with you embarrassing Keir by saying, “I don’t see any reason why Diane Abbott can’t stand as a Labour MP.”
Angela Rayner: Me and Keir are Ying and Yang, mate. Ying and Yang. Anyway, I’ve a bone to pick with you.
Rachel Reeves: If it’s about the two-child benefit limit, Labour will not increase VAT, income tax rates or National Insurance.
Angela Rayner: Mate, I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job….
Rachel Reeves: Then be a woman of your word.
Angela Rayner: ….I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job, but, we’re Labour. We raise money and we spend money. We believe in wealth redistribution.
Ellie Reeves: I’m sure Rachel has something up her sleeve.
Rachel Reeves: Do I look like a magician?
[silence]
Rachel Reeves: Just for clarification, Ellie, the answer is, “No.”
Angela Rayner: The two-child benefit limit is important, but it ain’t that. You ruined my battle bus.
Rachel Reeves: I did not ruin your (with a fridge) battle bus Ange. I simply refused to sign off on your personalised number plate when I discovered GTF 0TW stood for, ‘Get The Fuck Out The Way.’
Ellie Reeves [muttering]: Another Left-Winger silenced.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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