Premature Election 2024. Part 4 (Leadership Down).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks a food bank is a discount retailer chain, like the other party leaders, is on the election campaign trail.
Superficially Reform Party UK leader, Richard Tice, a man so Brexity that when he sees the words ‘Au Pair’ he immediately thinks, “How did they get in?” stepped aside for the party’s Honorary President, Nigel Farage, so he could become leader. Mr Farage, a man so reactionary he ends every sentence with, “No doubt they will call that racist,” previously said he wouldn’t run as an MP because he was concentrating on the Trump campaign, but has changed his mind because, he didn’t want to let his supporters down. Trump’s conviction is purely coincidental. Brexit.
Cue journos wanking themselves silly.
1st Person: Why isn’t Galloway getting this sort of coverage?
Me: Do you want Farage to get this sort of coverage?
1st Person: Fuck no.
Me: Shut y’trap then.
Funny how, Mr “I love Muslims and Muslims love me” Galloway has been strangely silent about his former Brexit partner in crime’s anti-Muslim claims. Maybe if Mr Farage was running for Labour, Mr Galloway would give two shits.
Four weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Sunday Evening, June 2nd
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….So, could you maybe summarise?
[voice on phone, “Trans rights trans rights trans rights….”]
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: I think I get the idea….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: And all the want-to-be sherrifs is gettin’ shot down.
[voice on phone, “Trans rights trans rights trans rights.”]
[call ends]
Michael Gove: Who was that?
Rishi Sunak: Kemi Badenoch, giving me debating tips.
Michael Gove: Talking of the debate, may I offer some advice?
Rishi Sunak: Of course Michael, I’m always happy to listen.
Michael Gove: Well, at times when you speak in public you can be….
Rishi Sunak: Can be what?
Michael Gove: Can be….
Rishi Sunak: Can be what?!? Spit it out! Can be what?!?
Michael Gove: If you let me finish….
Rishi Sunak: You’ve had plenty of opportunity to finish Michael. You should not make unwarranted claims about me!
Michael Gove: I haven’t actually had an opportunity….
Rishi Sunak: I dispute your claim you have not had an opportunity. You clearly have no advice to offer me!
Michael Gove: You know what, Rishi? You’ll be fine.
Monday Morning, June 3rd
Me: ….I wonder if anyone’ll ask the soldiers have they killed a man?
Fly: Show some respect.
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….That is the choice. It’s time to stop the chaos, time to turn the page and rebuild our country, together. Thank you very much.
1st Labour Activist: ….Well that’s us back pro-military, because apparently we weren’t.
2nd Labour Activist: Do you think Angela Rayner voting against Trident renewal’ll be a problem?
1st Labour Activist: Nah. I can imagine Ange sorting any issues out by going round Putin’s house and having a quiet word.
2nd Labour Activist: That question about the creative’s….
1st Labour Activist: Ooo! [puts back of hand under chin and wiggles fingers] Creatives!
2nd Labour Activist: Yes. That question about the creative’s letter about the situation in Gaza highlights a problem for Starmer. Many were willing to give him a second chance because of Labour’s policy changes, however many consider his treatment of an old school Leftie like Diane Abbot the final straw. They’re asking how can anyone in all conscience support Labour?
1st Labour Activist: Diane Abbott said, “I intend to run and to win as Labour’s candidate.”
2nd Labour Activist: ….Well, these issues are quite, y’know, complicated aren’t they.
1st Labour Activist: Yes. So, are you liking the VAT on private school fees policy?
2nd Labour Activist: Definitely. I remember someone saying, “All private schools should be abolished. Private schools exist for the rich and the rich only as status symbols and reinforcement of the class hierarchy.” Any parent who sends their kids to private school is no friend of the Left.
1st Labour Activist: Abbott sent her son private.
2nd Labour Activist: ….Well, these issues are quite, y’know, complicated aren’t they.
Tuesday Morning, June 4th
Me: ….It’s really really really exciting to be in a Labour Leader’s car. I’ve never ever ever been in a Labour Leader’s car.
Fly: Quiet. You do not want to be buzzing in an enclosed space.
Keir Starmer: ….….The fact is Sunak is desperate, he is often reduced to telling bare faced lies about the cost of a Labour government. At least he’s smart enough not to somehow try to rope in the Civil Service into his web of deceit, that’s because the truth is, liars never prosper….
Driver [muttering]: Boris Johnson.
Keir Starmer: The Tories often talk about making tough choices. It is their job to make tough choices. They’re the government. I’ve also had to make tough choices in the pursuit of making the Labour party ready to serve our country. True, I’ve had to make a few adjustments to my pledges and/or Labour policies, but if circumstances change you have to adapt….
Driver: Oh dear.
Keir Starmer: What’s the matter driver?
Driver: The satnav is totally off. We’re going in the wrong direction.
Keir Starmer: Well, I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do driver, but, you could always do a u-turn?
Very Early Wednesday Morning, June 5th
Rishi Sunak: [muttering]: ….Snap polling is good. Perhaps I should celebrate? Buy a yacht….?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: The breaker the taker money-maker never a faker, My lyrics are built like Schwarzaneggar. I have to give you these. Don’t worry, they’re not dry cleaning receipts.
Rishi Sunak [flicking through the notes]: ….All these say, “Deploy Mordaunt.”
Michael Gove: You’ve united our party Rishi!
Rishi Sunak: I had expected more positive feedback about my performance. Well, at least I have the campaigning to look forward to.
Michael Gove: Yes, Rishi. We all look forward to that.
Rishi Sunak: I had an odd experience at one event….
Michael Gove: The Lib Dems in the background on a small boat?
Rishi Sunak: No no no. Everything was going swimmingly so I opted for finishing with a killer attack line. “Vote Starmer, get Rayner.”
Michael Gove: The reaction?
Rishi Sunak: Half the audience cheered.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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