Premature Election 2024. Part 5 (Abandonment Issues).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks a mid season sale is a yachting trip in the middle of Summer, like the other party leaders, is on the election campaign trail.
Meanwhile in Scotland….
3 Jobs Tory Douglas Ross. MP, MSP (Member of Scottish Parliament) and Football Assistant Referee. This is him, at his work, dealing with a football he thought had the word ‘SNP’ written on it:
Dougie said he was packing in MPing, to concentrate on MSPing, in the run up to Holyrood (Scottish Parliament) 2026 elections. 2 Jobs Tory Douglas Ross. Fellow Tory MP David Duguid recently suffered ill-health, ended up in hospital, but was on the road to recovery and looking forward to defending his seat. Davey got deselected and Dougie will take his seat. 3 Jobs Tory Douglas Ross. The Tories do not discriminate. They hate all sick and disabled people.
Three and a bit weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Morning, Friday 7th June
Rishi Sunak [muttering]: ….Good, it’s ringing. It’s a shame I was forced to use a number she wouldn’t recog…. Hi! Penny it’s Rishi!
[call ends]
Rishi Sunak: ….I wonder if Johnny Mercer is….
[door burts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: And you say I abandoned the ship. But I was going down with it.
Rishi Sunak: Hand them over, Michael.
Michael Gove: Yes, dry cleaning receipts for tea and coffee spat out due to your Rishi flown home D-Day debacle.
Rishi Sunak: Is Mordaunt still doing tonight’s debate?
Michael Gove: Yes, she is onboard, pun intended, with, ‘Project Clean Up On Aisle Rishi.’
Rishi Sunak: No man’s an island, Michael.
Michael Gove: It’s a supermarket reference, Rishi. You really are…. Nevermind. Mordaunt was particularly unhappy. You’ll find that manifests itself with her receipt which is for dry cleaning her navy uniform. This suggests she put on the uniform specifically to spit out her coffee.
Rishi Sunak: I’ll give Penny licence to criticise me. I won’t mind her saying I was wrong, as long as she doesn’t say, I was very wrong. I’ll make a fulsome apology and the media will immediately move on.
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you?
Morning, Saturday 8th June
Me: ….Do you know how all the walls are painted the colour tartan in the SNP Westminster office?
Fly: Tartan isn’t a colour.
Stephen Flynn, SNP Westminster Group Leader: ….Did you see the most popular politician in the UK post yesterday’s election debate?
Mhairi Black, SNP Westminster Deputy Leader: Who? Farage?
Stephen Flynn: Naw. Me. The SNP were the clear winner.
Mhairi Black: I don’t watch the BBC anymore, apart from a couple of Southern shows and most of BBC Scotland, not since their blatant pro unionist pollution during the Indy Ref..
Stephen Flynn: BBC bias.
Mhairi Black: Aye. Bias from the BBC.
Stephen Flynn: Anyway, I showed the world SNP Scotland is a different place. In SNP Scotland we welcome all migrants. Well, mebbe no posh English ones buying up our land.
Mhairi Black: Aye, English oligarchs.
Stephen Flynn: Farage, Rayner and Mordaunt were behaving like dafties when it came to immigration. All three, dumb.
[slience]
Mhairi Black: Freedom!
Stephen Flynn: Freedom!
Mhairi Black: And we’ll really shake them up….
Stephen Flynn: When we win the Euros Cup….
Stephen Flynn and Mhairi Black: ’Cause Scotland are the greatest football team!
Afternoon, Sunday 9th June
Me: ….So, that’s why the dirt bike’s there. Crushing noisy off-road bikes being used antisocially within 48hrs.
Fly: I’m trying to listen. Stop being antisocial.
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….….Or turn the page and rebuild the country with Labour. Let’s go forward. So what do we say? Vote Labour! Thank-you very much.
1st Labour Activist: ….….This is a good little Labour policy that will have big impact with voters. It sends a clear message of intent. Labour gets how antisocial behaviour causes misery. Mind you, it’s a policy I imagine the media class won’t really understand. Most of them probably think antisocial behaviour is not being invited to their neighbour’s dinner party.
2nd Labour Activist: Talking of parties, you following the EU elections?
1st Labour Activist: Tenuous link, but no.
2nd Labour Activist: The Far Right, Hard Right, Nationalist Right…..
1st Labour Activist: And they’re all wrong.
2nd Labour Activist: Yes, anyway, the polls are predicting major successes for all of them. Maybe we got out the EU at just the right time.
1st Labour Activist: ….That literally makes no fucking sense.
2nd Labour Activist: A bit harsh. ….I see Sharon Graham’s not happy with the manifesto.
1st Labour Activist: Shaz is never happy.
2nd Labour Activist: Well Unite are our biggest union.
1st Labour Activist: No, they are not. The media keep saying this, which simply shows their ignorance about unions. Unison is Labour’s biggest union. Sharon isn’t happy because Unite bosses are never happy. Sharon, like her predecessor Len McCluskey, has a big mouth. When it comes to the unions with the media class It’s lose/lose for Labour. If the unions are happy we’re in their pockets, if the unions are unhappy we’re out of touch with our support. Media class.
2nd Labour Activist: Media class.
1st Labour Activist: Abstract failures.
2nd Labour Activist: Abstract failures.
Evening, Sunday 9th June
Rishi Sunak: [muttering]: ….The weekend’s nearly over. Finally the media will move on….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove: Classical too intelligent to be radical, Masterful, never irrelevant mathematical. I was half expecting to find you hiding under the table Rishi. It’s Hindus who believe in reincarnation isn’t it?
Rishi Sunak: Yes, why?
Michael Gove: Oh nothing. No dry cleaning receipts this time Rishi. I imagine the fact the media have been asking, “Where’s Rishi?” all weekend is purely coincidental. I have to say Rishi, that our troops, and when I say, troops, I mean our MPs…
Rishi Sunak: Please get on with it Michael.
Michael Gove: Also, our election army, and when I say, army, I mean our activists….
Rishi Sunak: Michael, please.
Michael Gove: They are all wondering, Rishi, who on Earth is advising you?
Rishi Sunak: You are looking at him.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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