Premature Election 2024. Part 6 (The Words That I Manifest).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks living on the breadline is a fancy term for feeding ducks on a lake, like the other party leaders, is on the election campaign trail.
Manifesto week, except for the SNP, who always release their manifesto a week after Labour’s so they can nick policies.
No surprises from Labour. A big surprise from the Tories, no bringing back hanging, for votes. No surprises from the Lib Dems, a party who have forever gifted TikTok level journos the line, “Tuition fees yeah.” No surprises from the Greens, who are still very much a colour between cyan and yellow on the visible spectrum.
1st Person: Their manifesto’s printed on paper, how’s….
Me: Oh fuck off.
Big surprise from Reform. No mention of immigration. I’m kidding you on. Immigration is all they have. Their leader Nigel Farage, a man so reactionary he starts every sentence with, “How is it racist to ask….?” says this election is the “immigration election.”
1st Person: Who the fuck is he to tell us what the election’s about?
Me: Word.
Although, Mr Farage is willing to sacrifice the country on the altar of his vanity, which presumably is quite admirable. Brexit.
Elsewhere, in Scotland, the host of the Scottish Leaders debate asked the audience, “In a sentence, what matters most to you?” A man answered, “I want to know what the parties are going to do about the situation in Gaza.” You see, local government does work; the situation in Gaza is a devolved matter.
In light of poll predictions, the Tories and the other parties warn against Labour having a large majority. In bed with the Tories when complaining about what the electorate may choose. Mardy bums.
Just under three weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Afternoon, Tuesday 11th June
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….Hello, yes, I’m thinking of buying my wife a small gift. How much is a helicopter?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: So take caution if you want to know the truth, I’mma elevate you up to the roof.
Rishi Sunak: Have to go. [puts phone down] Here to personally congratulate me Michael?
Michael Gove: Congratulate you, Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: The manifesto launch was a roaring success.
Michael Gove: “A roaring success.” Do you know what a low bar is, Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: What the Upper Classes call a pub?
Mid Afternoon, Tuesday 11th June
Me: ….Arr, the great outdoors.
Fly: Please be quiet, he’s being interviewed.
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….….That’s why I say it’s a Jeremy Corbyn-style manifesto….
1st Labour Activist: Why the fuck say that?
2nd Labour Activist: Fuck’s sake. Why say that?
Early Morning, Wednesday 12th June
Rishi Sunak [speaking to self]: I am the brown Obama. I, am the brown Obama.
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.
Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Defence: Morning Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir.
Rishi Sunak: How’s our Defence department?
Grant Shapps: Alright I suppose. The “Stop sitting on Defence” jokes have finally stopped. I was wondering if I could have a word….?
[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]
Grant Shapps: Trident! [drops papers] Is Suella coming!?!
Rishi Sunak: No no no. She just keeps ringing me up to read out word by word her latest Times or Telegraph piece. [picking up paper] What’s this? “Supermajority?” “One party socialist state?”
Grant Shapps: Just something some of us are working on…. So, about that word, Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir. May I ask you about D Day?
Rishi Sunak: Obviously, you want to know why I left?
Grant Shapps: No, not at all Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir. You chose Cameron as your stand in, I thought I was your favourite?
Very Early Morning, Thursday 13th June
Me: ….Is it true that flies sleep with their eyes closed? Hello? Hello?
Fly: Zzzzz.
Angela Rayner: …Mate, last night that lad called you a, “Political robot.”
Keir Starmer: Well, that doesn’t compute. Gingernuts, the debate snap polling was decisive, 64 % said I won.
Angela Rayner: Up against Sunak, do you know what a low bar is?
Keir Starmer: Yes, it’s what us Leftie Lawyers call a bunch of Tory Barristers.
Early Morning, Thursday 13th June
Me: ….Bonjour!
Fly: Sono italiano.
[on zoom call]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Bonjourno! Well I’m the king of Boggle, there is none higher, I get eleven points off the word ‘quagmire.’
Rishi Sunak: I have a G7 summit to attend, Michael, get on with it please.
Michael Gove: The bad news, dry cleaning receipts. There was a fair amount of tea and coffee spat out during the television debate.
Rishi Sunak: Which part of my performance was a problem?
Michael Gove: All the parts, Rishi. All the parts. [waves receipts]
Rishi Sunak: Gadzooks. Do people think I’m made of money?
Michael Gove: [chuckles].
[silence]
Michael Gove: Apologies, Rishi. I thought you were being humorous.
Rishi Sunak: So what is the good news then Michael?
Michael Gove: Sky News reported record viewing figures.
Early Afternoon, Thursday 13th June
Rachel Reeves, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer: …. [muttering] It’s times like this I miss that abacus….
Ellie Reeves, Labour Party Deputy National Campaign Coordinator: ….Can’t believe I missed out on Taylor.
Rachel Reeves: You need to move on Ellie. [muttering] Apparently something Taylor seems not to do.
[door bursts open]
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party: Evening women!
Ellie Reeves [whispering]: Boudica.
Angela Rayner: I’ve got something for you.
Rachel Reeves: Haven’t you got a debate to prepare for?
Angela Rayner: No need mate. They’ll all be having a go at HMS Bullshit, not me. It’s all Penny deserves. ‘ere!
Rachel Reeves [reading note]: ….I Rachel Reeves if I become Chancellor promise to spend shitloads of money…. I can’t say that!
Angela Rayner: Sozz. I forgot you’re a lay-dee. Just swap shitloads for loads of.
Rachel Reeves: Angela, I abide by certain fiscal rules….
Angela Rayner: Now you sound like that Hunt in Number 11.
Rachel Reeves: Why do you always resort to abusive name-calling? It’s not…. Oh, you mean Jeremy.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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