Premature Election 2024. Part 7 (Abnormal Service Resumes).
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks a loan shark is that thing he spotted on ‘that’ yachting holiday, unlike the other party leaders, took a break from the election campaign trail.
We were all grateful that Mr Sunak was attending the G7 summit, not necessarily because it’s important for The Group of Seven intergovernmental political and economic forum to highlight threats from China, Russia, North Korea, and any other villainous nations ending in a vowel….
1st Person: What? Iran?
Me: You had to spoil it dintya?
No, we are all grateful because it gave us a break from Mr Sunak on the telly begging the electorate to let him keep his pin money job.
Reform UK Chairman, Richard Tice, a man so Brexity that when he sees an éclair in a cake shop he immediately thinks, “This is not my country,” jointly launched the Reform manifesto with party leader, Nigel Farage, a man so reactionary he ends every sentence with, “Why call that racist?” Reform UK a perfect name, as Mr Farage wishes to re-form the UK in his own image. Brexit.
Meanwhile in Scotland, SNP party leader John Swinney, a man so obsessed with independence that he regularly asks married couples, “Why yous still attached?” declared that his party will deliver a, “truly left-of-centre manifesto.” The SNP, like the Conservatives, claim that a Labour government would cost tens of thousands of oil and gas jobs. In bed with the Tories, dragging their feet transitioning to renewable energy.
Just under two weeks of electioneering. “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well, luckily for you. I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Morning, Monday 17th June
Rishi Sunak [muttering to self]: ….Are things really that bad? It’s not like our donors are switching to Labour. I bet I can still win this….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Before you step up, step back, Or catch a smack, guess who’s back. Looking forward to returning to campaigning, Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: Yes, Michael. I most certainly am.
Michael Gove: [chuckles].
[silence]
Michael Gove: Apologies, Rishi. I thought you were being humorous.
Rishi Sunak: Did you watch the Scotland game?
Michael Gove: That is not a topic I wish to discuss, Rishi. However, congratulations on beating a team 29 places beneath you, 1 nil.
Rishi Sunak: A win is a win, Michael.
Michael Gove: Is it? Using the German win measure you should have beaten Serbia by at lease 6 nil.
Rishi Sunak: Now you’re clutching at straws.
Michael Gove: Any straw poll asking Germans which country in Europe has the friendliest football fans would elicit the answer, “Scotland.”
Rishi Sunak: No matter. We are top of the table. One thing I have in common with our star Jude Bellingham is that we both can turn things around for the team.
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you?
Afternoon, Monday 18th June
Sir Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party: ….Thank-you for being with us, I really appreciate it, and thanks for all you do workwise as well. Thank-you.
1st Labour Activist: ….Who says “workwise”?
2nd Labour Activist: Starmer does.
1st Labour Activist: I see Sunak’s back
2nd Labour Activist: Great, more Tory policies to try to out wank Reform.
1st Labour Activist: You mean, “Out flank.”
2nd Labour Activist: Nope. Farage is launching his manifesto later. The contrick with the people.
1st Labour Activist: You mean, “The contract.”
2nd Labour Activist: Nope.
Morning, Tuesday 18th June
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….Hello, yes, I’m thinking of buying my wife a small gift. How much is an Italian villa….?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Zero, Weirdo, the Funk Superhero, Yeah you scare me, just like a scarecrow.
Rishi Sunak: Have to go. [puts phone down] Skip to the good news please, Michael.
Michael Gove: De Pfeffel has agreed to endorse our election candidates.
Rishi Sunak: The bad news?
Michael Gove: De Pfeffel has agreed to endorse our election candidates. Although, we had to edit out references to you as a, “Treacherous snake.”
Rishi Sunak: I do wish Boris would move on, I have.
Michael Gove: De Pfeffel has moved on, to making millions since leaving office. Obviously something, you don’t need to consider, when you leave office.
Rishi Sunak: “If’ I leave office, Michael.
Michael Gove: Yes, Rishi. “If.”
Rishi Sunak: Looking forward to your game tomorrow, Michael?
Michael Gove: That is not a topic I wish to discuss, Rishi. [muttering] Haggis better than fondue.
Rishi Sunak: When campaigning I personally draw inspiration from your Tartan Army, Michael. They believe there is always hope.
Michael Gove: You do not drink, Rishi. You’ll never understand the Tartan Army.
Morning, Wednesday 19th June
Me: ….Considering it’s a SNP manifesto launch there’s a surprising lack of tartan.
Fly: Och away.
John Swinney, First Minister of Scotland and Leader of the Scottish National Party:….I’m asking you to vote SNP, for a future made in Scotland, for Scotland. Thank-you very much.
1st SNP Activist: ….OK, so take me through it so I know what to say on the doorstep.
2nd SNP Activist: In 2014 we narrowly lost the first IndyRef by 48% to 52%.
1st SNP Activist: That was the EU Ref. We lost ours by 45% to 55%.
2nd SNP Activist: Och, it’s still narrow. In 2015 we got a mandate to have another IndyRef because we took 56 out of the 59 Westminster seats.
1st SNP Activist: Aye, then in 2016 we were dragged out the EU in that little Englander referendum. Although, we did warn of the risks of voting, ‘Naw’ to independence in the 2014 referendum white paper.
2nd SNP Activist: Don’t mention that. In 2021 the Scottish parliament elected a pro-Independence majority.
1st SNP Activist: With The Greens.
2nd SNP Activist: No need to mention them. This general election is about giving us a mandate for IndyRef 2.
1st SNP Activist: We have 43 Westminster seats, what if we lose more seats?
2nd SNP Activist [sighing]: ….In 2014 we narrowly lost the first IndyRef….
Afternoon, Thursday 19th June
[silence]
Ellie Reeves, Labour Party Deputy National Campaign Coordinator: Got the slogan! ‘Vote Tory for the same old story’
Rachel Reeves, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer: Ellie! Great, now I have to start all over again. ….One billion one….
[door bursts open]
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party: Ola Chicas!
Ellie Reeves [whispering]: Woman King.
Angela Rayner: You know why I’m here Reeves.
Rachel Reeves: Shouldn’t you be helping Keir prep for Question Time tonight?
Angela Rayner: No need. He’ll be fine as long as no one asks him about what he said in the past. Y’know, ‘Sir Mixed Up A Lot.’ ….Anyway, you know why I’m here.
Rachel Reeves: A courtesy visit?
Angela Rayner: Don’t fuck about.
Rachel Reeves: You with the swearing. Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know I have identified a funding stream to, what was it again?
Angela Rayner: Redistribute wealth.
Rachel Reeves: Yes, plus sort out that other, er, thing….
Angela Rayner: Scrapping the fucking two-child limit!
Rachel Reeves: Yes, that. You, again, with the swearing. ….Walls have ears. I’ll write down the funding source. I don’t want the Tories to get wind of it.
Angela Rayner [reading note]: ….The Tories got the media to nag Starmer about that. He’s ruled it out.
Rachel Reeves: Fuck’s sake.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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