Prepare for the Alternative
Amidst growing speculation about his possible entry into the 2024 presidential election, former president Donald Trump plans to make a major speech at which he will announce his candidacy. We’ve obtained a draft of the speech and printed it below.
Ladies and gentlemen. Or as the radical Left would say: thems, theys, and people with uteruses.
It was almost 6 years ago that I won a massive landslide victory against Crooked Hillary Clinton with a promise to Make America Great Again. Four years later, I defeated Joe Biden in another tremendous victory, but I was robbed of the presidency in the most blatant theft since an average Saturday night at a San Francisco Walgreens.
Yet, some in the media still claim that I lost the 2020 election. They even claim people in my own administration, like Kellyanne Conway, said I lost the race. Wrong! Kellyanne told me I didn’t lose, I had an alternative win!
I also want to set the record straight about what I told Mike Pence about the election. I simply said to him, Mike, do your job. Make me president. Be a man! — Or to put it in terms even the radical Left would understand: a person with testicles.
So many terrible things have happened since Joe Biden took over the presidency. Inflation is out of control. The cost of living has gotten higher than Hunter Biden on a bender.
Illegal immigration is so bad, it’s as if Mexico never paid for a great big beautiful wall.
And then there is the terrible war in Ukraine. So many people have died, I hear the Democrats have already registered them all to vote.
But there is some good news. Thanks to the vaccines developed under my administration, we are finally making progress against Covid. For example, when I got Covid, I nearly died. When Joe Biden got Covid, he experienced fatigue, lack of energy, and brain fog.
So in other words, it didn’t affect him at all!
So I’m excited to announce that I’m running for election as president in 2024.
Or I should say: re-election.
And just in case anyone tries to steal another election from me, my lawyer Rudy Giuliani has prepared a lawsuit on my behalf to preemptively declare me the winner of the 2024 election. Rudy tells me the case is a “slam dunk” and he will be filing the lawsuit just as soon as he gets back his law license.
I’m also happy to report that nearly every Republican in Congress will be joining the lawsuit, except for Mitt Romney — who is the biggest RINO since Joe Manchin!
I made America great once before, and I alone can fix America again. It’s been an honor and a privilege to speak here today before a crowd that is so large, you are probably all expecting to finally catch Mike Pence here!
Now please stay for a very special press conference by Rudy Giuliani, who will provide an update on lawsuits he is planning against makers of voting machines, as well as hair dye!
