The Haven
Published in

The Haven

White House releases “genuine unPhotoshopped photo” of Robert Muller and Florida shooter Nikolas Cruz meeting outside FBI building. (Tobias Maier)

President Blames FBI for Florida Shootings

Jumps rails, plows through 12 states before crashing into Pacific

Claims Russia Indictments cover up for overlooking “real bad guys”

So outrageous we needed three headlines (and this one)

The President spent Thursday blaming students, then the staff of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, then the parents and anyone else but GOP refusal to modify gun laws. And his own blunders, such as repealing a rule to prevent the mentally ill from buying guns (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/16/us/politics/fact-check-parkland-gun-violence-mental-illness.html).

On Friday, he finally found his culprit: The FBI.

Not just the FBI, but Special Investigator Robert Miller’s investigation into Russian election interference. His outburst, if not downpour (if not torrential storm not unlike the Bible’s great flood) followed revelations that an FBI tip line failed to forward important infomation about Nikolas Cruz. According to POTUS this was all the evidence he needed to prove Muller, and his master manipulator Hillary Clinton ordered the shootings.

President putts to “not play golf in honor of victims”

Reporters found 45 on a six-hole putting course inside the Mar-A-Lago, where he was “not playing golf to honor the victims of the school shooter.” His aids tried to hustle him through a back door to avoid a public interview, but more reporters were waiting at the exit. Chief-of-Staff Kelly handed him the White House’s prepared notes.

The President threw away the notes. “What we have here is clear evidence of a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top. Crooked Hillary directed the corrupt FBI to devote all of it’s resources to this phony Russia investigation and look where she got us. Not only did they miss Nikolas Cruz, they missed Devin Patrick Kelly, Jared Miller and what’s his name from California. In fact they missed the boat on all 67,000 mass shootings in America by Mexican immigrant Moslem terrorists like Cruz, who wouldn’t have even been here if the Hillary directed Democrats didn’t stop my border wall.”

“Crooked Hillary directed the corrupt FBI to devote all of it’s resources to this phony Russia investigation and look where she got us. Not only did they miss Nikolas Cruz, they missed Devin Patrick Kelly, Jared Miller and what’s his name from California.”

A skeptical reporter from the Parkland News questioned the President’s claim of 67,000 mass shootings.

“Are you going to interrupt me with fake facts or do you want me to answer your questions?” the President cut her off. “You need a husband like Rob Porter to keep you at home , a good husband who supported both his traitorous wives in spite of the evil lies they spread about him. Yes, there were 800,000 mass shootings last year, and don’t blame me for that, because my administration brought down the number of mass shooting by more than 30 million in 2016 which was how bad things got under the Hillary directed Obama administration.”

“There were 800,000 mass shootings last year, and don’t blame me for that, because my administration brought down the number of mass shooting by more than 30 million in 2016 which was how bad things got under the Hillary directed Obama administration.”

President unveils new ugly truths about Obama administration

He spoke over the questions of every reporter in the room. “What? You think Obama was in charge? He isn’t even American. Hillary used him to run against her in 2008 because she knew Americans wouldn’t choose her, look at the last election where I beat her by more than 270 million votes. So she ran him as her puppet, and after she had to resign from the State Department because of her rampant criminal activity — from which they never recovered mind you. Never recovered. Her server sent all our secrets to the Russians, they didn’t need me to collude, let me tell you. And the Clinton foundation sold off the White House piece by piece to Iran , including the treaty which paid them half the US Treasury in gold bullion on palettes flown to Iran by American pilots, patriotic American pilots forced to fly at gunpoint because they didn’t want to give Iran the entire fortune in Fort Knox, and half our nuclear arsenal on top of that. That’s right, half our nuclear arsenal, which is why Iran agreed not to make a nuke, which is a lie, who do you think gave nukes to North Korea? Iran. That’s who, and they gave Fat Rocketman our nukes which we handed over with the Iran Treaty, but the fake news doesn’t want you to hear that. And that’s why Hillary told Robert Muller to cover up with this witch hunt on Russia.

“Mr. President what does this have to do with the shootings?” the Miami Herald reporter cut in.

“Why do you think Muller indicted twelve innocent Russians? Today of all days?” he snapped. “The same day we learned he personally directed the tip line to withhold the information about Quick Trigger Nick Cruz, who just happens to be Ted Cruz’ nephew, brought into this country illegally on a family permit? He did it to distract us from the tip line. And it’s working. Which is why I’m probably going to fire Tillerson and shut down the State Department because it’s such a mess and this Russia Probe is only going to make it worse, and, even worse, lead to more Hillary directed mass shootings so she can blame gun owners.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked, “Mr. President, are there any meds you forgot to take today.”

“I don’t need meds. I’m the healthiest man in the world. In the history of the world. Faith healers take my blood and inject it so they can heal people, that’s how healthy I am. And I don’t see why you reporters can’t see the clear signs the Robert Muller is covering up his own compliciticity (sic). It’s as plain as that tip he ordered the FBI to never send.”

“I’m the healthiest man in the world. In the history of the world. Faith healers take my blood and inject it so they can heal people, that’s how healthy I am.”

“Actually, Mr. President,” the Herald Reporter interjected, “we have a source at the FBI that says you pulled officers off the tip lines to investigate the moles in the FBI who you think report directly to the Clintons. In their words, you told them, ‘It’s my way or the highway, and if you want your job when I package Miller’s ass to a Russian Gulag where he belongs, you’ll find those moles.’”

Denies heart attack in front of reporters

The President cried, “Fakest fake news, you fake news faker,” spit over the front two rows of reporters and grabbed his chest. Kelly and Hope Hicks grabbed the President to hold him up from what appeared to be a heart attack. A Secret Service agent snapped a Big Mac carton and waved the hamburger under his nose until he recovered.

POTUS’ face remained pink for at least twenty seconds until it returned to its normal unnatural shade of orange. “I don’t get why you fake news fakers hate the America I’m making great again. It’s in the Bible. God created man to make Israel so they could get kicked out of their kingdom and make the greatest country on Earth, America. It took two thousand years until they could get unJewified and become Christian America makers but they did it. And then they got their country back, which would never have happened if it weren’t for America.”

“God created man to make Israel so they could get kicked out of their kingdom and make the greatest country on Earth, America. It took two thousand years until they could get unJewified and become Christian America makers but they did it.”

He clutched the Big Mac like it were a lifeline. Kelly stopped him from devouring the burger and the two dozen like it in his golf bag in front of the reporters. “America is above the world and Crooked Hillary’s moles, moles like Muller, want to take us down by keeping the shooters on the street while they witch hunt me. America is so far above the rest of the world their planes can barely reach us.”

“World shits on America”

The President stretched the tips of his fingers to their limit. “We’re up here.” He pointed to the floor. “They’re down there. And what do they do? Shit all over us. That’s right. These countries don’t even have sewage they’re so far beneath us. And what do they do with their shit. They let it run to the borders of their countries, spill over the borders and drip down on our heads. That’s right. The rest of the countries let their shit drip on our heads. And what do we do? Make treaties where we give them our gold for their shit.”

The AP’s Zeke Miller broke in. “Mr. President, are you sure you know how gravity works?”

POTUS ignored him. “You want to make trade deals? Why can’t we make trade deals with Russia? There’s a country with a growing economy just looking to make great deals. I’ll tell you why. This fake Russia probe. Just last week I, I mean, my company which I have no interest in and which will not reward me handsomely when I leave office in 2026, and why do I have to leave office in 2026?”

“Why can’t we make trade deals with Russia? There’s a country with a growing economy just looking to make great deals. I’ll tell you why. This fake Russia probe.”

Kelly tried to physically drag 45 to the exit, but the President fought him off with a golf club. “It’s because of the 27th amendment, which limits me to two terms. And why do we have it? Because the Democrats didn’t want Nixon to get a third term. That’s right, and when that didn’t work they ran him out of office with a witch hunt about a petty burglary he had nothing to do with. So in case you think this Russia hunt is a new thing, you’re wrong, Hillary’s had plenty of practice chasing good Republican Presidents out of office. We need to make sure she doesn’t do it this time, and do it by spilling more blood of innocent high school students, like these, precious babies who would have voted for me with their first votes had they lived.”

Kelly ordered six secret service agents to life the President and cart him from the putting course. As the doors shut behind him he was still shouting, “We can make a great trade deal with Russia. We’ll win too. Stop the cunning, stab-you-in-the-back Chinese in their tracks.”

Kelly snapped at reporters. “See what you did? This would be an easy job if it weren’t for your collusion and obstruction.”

Once the President was gone, Hope Hicks told reporters. “We can document everything he said. Give us a couple of weeks.”

April Ryan, a frequent target of the President’s ire, replied, “I’m sure Politifact will be fact checking this one into the next century.”

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.