President Busted With Barbies
Tweets, “A man’s gotta blow off steam!”
The President’s personal troubles once again stole the limelight from his lawyer Michael Cohen’s. After he spent the day Tweeting that Russian deposits to Cohen’s accounts proved “THEIR WAS NO COLLUSION,” he was found by a White House aide fondling Barbie dolls in his private Oval Office hot tub.
The aide, dispatched to update POTUS on yet another Cohen disclosure because more experienced staff members were still suffering from PTSD knocked, heard no answer, and entered hoping to leave a message on his desk. Instead he found the President in his sunken floor hot tub with Barbie dolls lining the ledge and holding two more with dresses pulled to their waists.
“We heard her screams in the East Wing,” a confidential source admitted. “Only later did we learn those high screeches came from a 25-year-old man.” The intern, later identified as LP Dogge, set the record for staff departures. Six hours. “I don’t care what POTUS says, we have to stop hiring Cooley Law School grads,” our source added.
“I don’t care what POTUS says, we have to stop hiring Cooley Law School grads.”
Dogge told The Haven, “I didn’t know the President played with dolls. I didn’t even know he had a hot tub in the Oval Office. The creepiest part wasn’t him fondling half-naked dolls. It was the dolls looking exactly like that porn star who lied about their affair.”
Chief of Staff John Kelly’s office confirmed that the President installed a hot tub in the Oval Office that rises from a concealed compartment in the floor. They gave no more details except to say the President was fully clothed when the Intern broke in on him. “He knows proper decorum and stays in his custom-made water proof business suit until after midnight.”
An engineering firm told The Haven that the hot tub most likely cost ten thousand dollars. Renovating the Oval Office and building the lifts would have cost close to half-a-million.
An engineering firm told The Haven that the [President’s] hot tub most likely cost ten thousand dollars. Renovating the Oval Office and building the lifts would have cost close to half-a-million.
In a preemptive strike to forestall reports, the President Tweeted, “What a PRESIDENT does in privacy with GENUINE COLLECTER’S ITEMS is his own business. Don’t let the FAKE NEWS misslead you with FONY FAKE STORIES. I BUY & SELL collecters items because I donate my salary to THE PEOPLE. CAIRFULL INSPECTION REQUIRED!!!!”
He also Tweeted, “A man’s gotta blow off steam when his wife’s too busy with SCAREDY CAT WHINY BABIES who need thicker skins and his staff CUTS OFF ACCESS to prime fine companions. You DON’T HEAR ME WINING.”
The Haven couldn’t reach the dolls for comment.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
