President Creates Dual MLK Holidays

”Confederate Heroes need remembering too”

On his return from Mar-a-Lago at the end of his four-day weekend, the President scheduled an unannounced side trip to a civil war re-enactment. The battle scenes so impressed the President who ditched his own military service that he decided Americans should celebrate two holidays on the same day.

“Texas has two holidays today,” he announced. “Someone Tweeted that, and America should never take second seat to the most politically American state in the union except Alabama. They have the holiday the government makes us celebrate, you know, the Black one, and they have the historical celebration Confederate Heroes Day. Today, I watched these guys bravely fight a battle with real guns and ammunition to show how real history worked, and, you know what? Slaves never joined the liberal Democrats in the North to fight for their freedom. So I will issue an executive order establishing a national Confederate Heroes Day. You can pick which one you want, the one the Federal Government makes us celebrate now, or we can spend the day reflecting on the people who made our nation great. Our brave soldiers in gray who defended the Constitution.”

“Slaves never joined the liberal Democrats in the North to fight for their freedom.”

“Do you really expect us to believe you’re not a racist?” April Ryan interjected.

“I am so not racist. I’m the least racist person you know. Why do you think I want to keep your people in their countries, which I never called ‘shit holes,’ by the way, even though they are. The jobs in their countries need people with no job skills, which makes your people perfect if only they would stay there. Do you think the Democrats would show your people so much love?”

“I’m the least racist person you know. Why do you think I want to keep your people in their countries…. The jobs in their countries need people with no job skills, which makes your people perfect if only they would stay there. Do you think the Democrats would show your people so much love?”

“Pardon me, sir, that statement sounds incredibly racist,” Ryan objected.

“My statements may be racist, but I’m not. There’s a difference. People thought Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee were racists but they weren’t. They defended your people from liberal northern values, like welfare, where you can only buy liquor and Cadillacs instead of things you need to get ahead.”

“Excuse me, Mr. President, but I don’t think even our viewers want us to repeat what you just said,” FOX New’s John Decker protested.

“Did you know that Robert E. Lee freed the slaves ?” the President replied. “That’s right, in 1862 he issued the Immigration Proclamation freeing the slaves and allow them to return home to Africa. And you know what they did? Stayed on the farms to support the brave Confederate Soldiers who fought for their freedom. Do the liberal Democrats do that? Give your people homes, and food and stable employment? I ask you.”

The President didn’t wait for an answer. He gave Dr. Ben Carson a two dollar tip to find his SUV and “buy a couple of 40s for you and your friends.” He then ordered his fleet to leave before Carson could get in the vehicle.

MLK’s rebuttal

Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. appeared as a surprise guest on Don Lemon’s CNN show to rebut the President later. “I never asked for a holiday in my name. But to create a holiday for the crackers who oppressed my people is racism pure and simple. If this man had been President during my campaign instead of Kennedy and LBJ, I’d’a thrown my lot in with Malcolm and the Panthers.” He raised his fist and chanted, “Power to the People.”

“If this man had been President during my campaign instead of Kennedy and LBJ, I’d’a thrown my lot in with Malcolm and the Panthers.”

Former Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Andrew Jackson also appeared. Both agreed that the President is, without a doubt, the most prejudiced President in history. “It used to be me,” Jackson said, “although Woody gave me a close run.”

“Word,” added Wilson. “I still wear my Klan gown. But Trump makes us look like choir boys singing Kum Ba Yah by the campfire.”

Former President Lincoln was invited to appear but refused to enter any discussion involving “the man who tarnished the Republican reputation so thoroughly we’ll never recover. Not that the GOP wasn’t doing a fine job of that without him.”