President Dangles DACA Once Again
Dreamers back on the trading table. Until they aren’t
The President announced an open path to citizenship for dreamers facing deportation the day after Senator Chuck Schumer removed an offer to fund his wall. “I’m going to keep the beautiful dreamers in our beautiful country locked inside our beautiful wall, and one depends on the other,” he told reporters. He promised to lay out a “simple plan for simple Senate minds” to permanently fix Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals and grant citizenship to an additional million immigrants in the country.
Under heavy fire for withholding input on terms he would consider before he would sign the 2016 budget (still waiting for Congressional approval), the President promised to lay out a Congressional roadmap on Monday. Unfortunately, legislators and the media [1] doubt the new roadmap will look anything like his promises yesterday.
Many remember that less than a month ago the President told Democratic and Republican Senators to give him a bill, any bill that both sides could agree on, and he’d sign it. When presented with the compromise bill, however, he booted it. White House spokesmen claimed he didn’t reject the agreement, just the terms of the agreement. This leaves Americans to wonder if the President will grant citizenship for dreamers but reject any conditions by which they earn it.
“Where the President’s concerned, you have to interpret,” Harold Kissazz, Senator Schumer’s liaison explained. “Like when he’s meeting with reporters and says, ‘Thank you?’ He really means, ‘Fuck you, I need you to leave now.’” When asked what the President meant by his commitment to a citizenship path, Kissazz said, “Who knows? I can advise you to interpret, but I’m not about to suggest how you should interpret.”
“Whatever he proposes, you can be sure he will add poison pills to both sides of the aisle,” Senator John McCain’s research director said. “Granting citizenship to illegals here now? Hasn’t he been listening to his own base? It’s his stupid wall with a door. Once you add a door, it’s easier for the burglars to break in. Dems won’t accept the wall, our guys will kick down the door. He blames the Senate for ruining his plan, just like he always does.”
“He’s the master negotiater? More like master baiter,” Lindsey Graham’s executive assitstant Noah Z. Enbutt said. “Master baiter and switcher.”
“He’s the master negotiater? More like master baiter. Master baiter and switcher.”
“The President’s mind looks like the sky,” Senator Jeff Flake commented after announcement. “Whatever you see now is gone as soon as the wind shifts. He calls me a flake? His mind is like snow flakes. Always changing, never the same and anything that solidifies is likely to melt by morning.”
Jeff Flake: “The President’s mind looks like the sky. Whatever you see now is gone as soon as the wind shifts. He calls me a flake? His mind is like snow flakes. Always changing, never the same and anything that solidifies is likely to melt by morning.”
The President disputes the claim. “I was just negotiating,” he reportedly told hard line supporters. “The Dreamers are back on the table. Until they aren’t. Once I have my wall, those DACA kids are gone. Show my cards now, and the Dems will try to sell us jack shit from jack shit holes.”
Aids inside the White House suggest the President thinks never making a firm commitment is the best way to insure success. “It’s how I keep those fuckers on the hill jumping,” he’s said several times. “Why does Melania keep her ass looking so hot? Because she doesn’t know whether I’m poking the dirt in other gardens. If she knows I’m faithful, I’m stuck with a frau in a house coat. If she knows I am still sowing my wild oats, and I’ve got plenty still to sow, it’s chocolate and booze, a big fat ass and spend me to the poorhouse. Same with the Senate. So I play them like puppets and they jerk when I pull the strings.”
Some insiders suspect the President wants to keep Congress arguing and never pass a funding bill. “It would feed into his narrative that we can’t trust career politicians,” said an anonymous advisor. “I don’t think he thinks that far ahead, however. I don’t think he thinks. I think he just likes making people dance.”
“I don’t think he thinks that far ahead, however. I don’t think he thinks. I think he just likes making people dance.”
She thought for a moment and added. “On the apprentice, other people wrote the show, gave directions and he had to follow the script. He really believed he would run this show. Once he learned he didn’t, he resorted to the trick he’s used since childhood. Throw a tantrum and people do what he wants to make him stop.”
[1]: Not to mention most Americans.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
