President forges DACA compromise
Dreamers and Democrats get nothing. He wins.
After meeting with Democratic and Republican members of Congress, the President unilaterally compromised with both sides by sending the Dreamers home. The declaration followed an agreement by both parties to give him $18 billion to build his wall on the Mexican border.
“Now that I got what I want, who needs the Dreamers? What have they done for us anyway? Stolen taxpayer dollars that should go to troops and border guards,” a jubilant President told reporters. “This is an act of love. We love the Dreamers and wish them the best as we boot their asses across the border.”
During his pre-conference, on-camera briefing, the President outlined his demands for compromise. “I heard about the DACA law long before I decided to become a politician, back when I built my first hotel, and knew it would lead to trouble. Look where we are now.” The Deferred Action on Children’s Act which was introduced in 2012, after the President’s second run for the Presidency, never became law until the Obama administration made it executive policy.
“I heard about the DACA law long before I decided to become a politician, back when I built my first hotel, and knew it would lead to trouble. Look where we are now.”
In return for his support both parties were told they must end chain migration, which “causes deaths on the highway. Hundreds of thousands of innocent Americans killed on the highway by Mexican cars, filled with immigrants who can’t read, speak English, or drive, driving in a chain, crashing into sixteen wheelers. It’s death. Severed heads rolling on the asphalt. Innocent American babies, little innocent babies with pink toes and charming smiles, smashed like scrambled eggs, their little baby brains scrambled on the hot asphalt, cooking in the sun. We have to stop that. The lottery too.”
Thinking the meeting would proceed, the Congressmen gathered their notes only to have the President continue: “The only way to stop it is with a wall. The Mexican wall is the first step, and they’ll pay for it, every dime, after Congress gives me 18 billion in seed money, but that’s not for the wall, that’s to start the wall. The Mexicans will pay for the wall. Then we’ll build a wall in Canada and the Canadians, they should be called Canadans because Americans aren’t called Americians, I mean learn English will you people, any way the Canadians will pay for that. Then we’ll finish the wall on the Atlantic and Pacific borders and the Atlantans and Pacificans will pay for that. Then we’ll have a border.”
The Mexicans will pay for the wall. Then we’ll build a wall in Canada and the Canadians … will pay for that. Then we’ll finish the wall on the Atlantic and Pacific borders and the Atlantans and Pacificans will pay for that.
The most important thing, the President stressed in the meeting, is compromise. “I want a love bill, one on which everyone agrees, as long as I get border security, and a wall, and we keep the Mexicans out. After that I don’t care what happens to the Dreamer kids. You work that out among yourselves. I trust you.”
Members of Congress didn’t reach the right compromise quickly enough, because the President reached his own decision two hours after the meeting. “If Congress can’t compromise and give me exactly what I want, I’m shutting the door on negotiations. That’s why I’m a master at this.”
Under the terms of the President’s unilateral compromise, the DACA beneficiaries return to their home countries to stay. Then, after seven consecutive years of gainful employment within the United States, they can apply for citizenship. “We’ll give them good jobs, picking fruit or something. You know great jobs that Americans are too good for,” he assured the public.
Scaled-down wall
Experts say the 18 billion will build three feet of wall, two and a half feet considering inflation and the time it takes private contractors to complete projects.
White House staff members plan to build the wall with Legos, allowing them to raise it higher when Mexico delivers the rest of the money. “They may be cheap plastic, but when you stick them together, they’re strong little buggers,” a White House planner told The Haven. “My Lego Millennium Falcon is still hanging from the wall in my room at my parent’s house and I made that twenty-two years ago.”
White House staff members plan to build the wall with Legos, allowing them to raise it higher when Mexico delivers the rest of the money. “They may be cheap plastic, but when you stick them together, they’re strong little buggers.”
“Think of it as a symbol,” a Homeland Security aide told us. “The Mexican rapists, with murder in their heart and no respect for the law, drive toward our borders and see that wall made of red, white and blue Lego bricks. It may be three feet tall, but they’ll know to turn back. They’re not wanted here.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
