President furious with Korean’s Obama Tweet
Tells staff “more heart-warming stories about me”
Sources inside the White House confirm the President went ballistic over a story involving his predecessor Obama and a former White House aid. After a media report that the President pestered a career intelligence expert about her Korean roots, former aid Gary Lee tweeted that Obama spoke Korean to him on their last meeting.
The President heard the story while multitasking (or, as staff members call it, watching cable news during an important meeting). He called the meeting to a halt and Tweeted “Count on Obama to waste tax dollars learning Korean instead of dealing with Rocketman.” He followed with, “I speak better Korean than Obama. I speak better than Koreans. I don’t so I don’t embarrass them by how much better I speak it.”
Following his Tweets, the President cancelled the meeting, called his immediate staff into the room and demanded: “How come no one teaches me languages to make me look good?”
“It’s not as though we haven’t tried whenever he meets a foreign leader,” an aid confined. “Obama said ‘hello’ in Korean. We tried to teach 45 ‘hola’ for his first official meeting with Nieto. You know what he said? ’Sounds like the Mexicans can’t pronounce, ‘hello’.”
“We tried to teach 45 ‘hola’ for his first official meeting with Nieto. You know what he said? ’Sounds like the Mexicans can’t pronounce, ‘hello’.”
The President also ordered his staff to find more heart-warming stories about him that people could share on Twitter. When a member of the communications team suggested he behave in a way people would find heart-warming, the President fired the aid on the spot. He instructed his remaining staff to get to work. He wanted to start with a heart-warming story about speaking with a staff member in their language. “As long as I don’t have to work at it. I do too much in this damn job already.”
Staff members agreed to arrange a meeting and teach him “hello” in the guests native tongue. Only then did he list his demands — no Mexicans, Koreans, Moslems or foreigners. “He only wanted ‘American Americans,’” the aid confirmed. “Which was fine, because he couldn’t master a word we tried to teach him.”
After an extensive search, staff members located a CIA analyst of Cherokee heritage, who spoke no Cherokee. They bought her an outfit that “looked native,” planned for him to shake her hand, say ‘Osiyo,’ (“hello”) and staff would escort her from the room before anything could go wrong.
The meeting didn’t proceed as planned. Instead of Osiyo, the President said “Oyosis.” He then told her that he was sorry the DACA Indian kids would have to return to the reservation because of Democratic stonewalling.
“There is no word, ‘Oyosis,’” the aid confided, “but it comes very close to the word for appetite. From the look in his eyes, we could tell he was hungry for something. The President confirmed it when he said, “a girl with tits as good as yours should just pretend to be American. Wave those babies around and we’ll take you at your word.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
