The Haven
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The Haven

French President Emmanuel Macron explains to an awestruck President that a cloud is “God smiling on them.” (French Embassy)

President Promises to Scuttle Treaties

I’ll listen to Macron’s concerns and then ignore him

During a series of press conferences highlighted by the President telling a reporter, “That’s a stupid question,”[1] 45 swore fealty to France with his fingers crossed for everyone to see. He then told reporters he would listen carefully to French President Emmanuel Macron’s concerns and forget them as soon as the meeting was over.

The best BFFs in the history of BFFs

“We’re best friends,” he claimed. “For once the fake news got it right.[2] And being best friends means I can shit all over him and get away with it. Look at Michael Cohen. He’s been a best friend since I started asking him to launder money, hide income from the IRS, and bribe bimbos to shut their mouths — a job which he hasn’t been doing well lately because the big-mouth bimbos are back. And they’re lying, mind you. I used a condom when I never slept with these women who I never met before I paid them to have sex with me. They’re lying big time, which is why I passed the problem to my good friend Mike, who I’ve treated like shit since I hired him. I mean a big stinking poo. Huge dumps. Dumps big enough to fill every dump truck in New York that’s how much I shit on him, which is why you know I’m willing to ignore your questions about pardons because I treat him like shit so why would he expect a pardon, even though I know he won’t flip on me because he likes the shit I dump on him. He knows there’s a big reward at the end of the dump, a reward I can’t tell you about because of client confidentiality, which is why he’ll keep his mouth shut about the crooked business dealings I never had with Russia, but he’ll get the present, which will be a surprise, but it starts with a capital ‘P’ and I’ve been practicing to get it right.”

“Being best friends means I can shit all over him and get away with it. Look at Michael Cohen. He’s been a best friend since I started asking him to launder money, hide income from the IRS, and bribe bimbos to shut their mouths…”

“Pardon me, Mr. President but what does this have to do with President Macron?” asked ABC News’s Jonathan Karl.

45 Denounces Iran and everything it stands for

“That’s a stupid question,” POTUS snapped. “I told you what it has to do with President Macron who thinks I will listen to his concerns about the nukular treaty which is the worst treaty we ever signed, I mean terrible, it should be torn up, chewed, and spit into the Potomac, it’s such a bad deal. I mean, just yesterday Iran fired missiles at Israel, Saudi Arabia and us, this is the honest to God truth, an Iranian missile landed just outside my window. Why didn’t John Kerry deal with that if he made a good deal?”

He nodded to John Kelly as a signal to drink water for him so he could continue to talk without taking a break. “Everything bad that happens in the world is caused by Iran. The gas attacks in Syria? They were caused by Iran, even though we punished the Syrians. North Korea’s nuclear program? Caused by Iran. All these women falsely accusing me of sexual stuff, which any woman would want, let me tell you, cause I’m not tiny. Not tiny. And those women know from personal experience, which they lie about. And why did they lie? Iran.

“Everything bad that happens in the world is caused by Iran. The gas attacks in Syria? They were caused by Iran, even though we punished the Syrians. North Korea’s nuclear program? Caused by Iran. All these women falsely accusing me of sexual stuff…? Iran.”

“And let me tell you, when Iran decides to start their program again when we revoke the treaty, which I’m not saying I’ll do, but we know I will, when Iran starts that program we will punish them like no country’s been punished in the history of punishment. We’ll make the holocaust look like fake news, which it was. The only good deal with Iran is a deal that removes them from the map and we intend to do that.”

Time to dismantle the EU

The President closed by admonishing Macron to break with the European Union “because it sucks big time, big big time. It’s too hard for me to negotiate with a bunch of countries at once. France is the only country we like anyway. The Germans act like they have Polish sausages stuck up their asses, and the Italians? I don’t want to talk about the Italians. And Mexico keeps sending their criminals, murderers and rapists — the worst of the worst let me tell you. It’s a pain in the ass to deal with them just to get a good deal from France. It would be best if we just dissolved that mess. Let me tell you, everyone would be happy. Look at the Brits. They love being independent. They love it. They voted unanimously to leave, that tells you how much they love it. So I listened to every one of my good friend Macaroni’s concerns, honestly and openly listened, and I promise to do the opposite of what he asks and fuck things up with my usual great skill at fucking things up.”

“It’s too hard for me to negotiate with a bunch of (European Union) countries at once. France is the only country we like anyway. The Germans act like they have Polish sausages stuck up their asses… And Mexico keeps sending their criminals, murderers and rapists.”

When he decided to finish the conference he crossed his arms in a gesture of dismissal. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders escorted reporters from the room as though she were their third-grade teacher. “You can go now. We’re finished with you. No, you can’t stay. We don’t need you anymore. Go along. Go along.”[3]

[1]: This bit isn’t parody. He really said it.…

[2]: …nor is this bit…

[3]: …nor is this bit. Sanders could be heard in the background when the staff forgot to turn off the mike.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.