President Promotes New Currency
Trumpcash backed by “good as gold” personal voucher
The White House announced the creation of a new national currency, Trumpcash. The encrypted cyber currency that bears the President’s name is backed by his personal voucher. “It’s as good as gold,” the President Tweeted. “Better than gold because my name is behind it.”
He’s combining the new coinage initiative with his announcements to impose stiff tariffs on imported steel. “Not only will these foreign countries trying to undermine our national security pay the tariffs, they’ll pay in Trump cash at a 50 percent premium.” When it was suggested this was tantamount to highway robbery, POTUS replied, “We’re only doing to them what they did to us.”
White House officials suggest Trumpcash would eventually replace the sagging dollar (or, in a Tweet of the President “the money we let the world piss on until it’s worthless”). They expect it to replace both hard currency and Bitcoin. Users place their dollars in an online account and use it as a medium of exchange.
Trumpcash could replace the sagging dollar (or, in a Tweet of the President “the money we let the world piss on until it’s worthless”).
Users carry a small RFID device in their pockets about the size of a silver dollar. Banks, vendors and other users connect with the device through their devices or wireless software. When asked about Trumpcash security, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders assured reporters, “This will be completely secure. The government will have no more access to your transactions or personal data than they would with your online account.”
Hours later, however, the President Tweeted, “Mycash is our best shot at national security. We can block money transfers to terrorist organizations like the DNC at the source.”
“Trumpcash is our best shot at national security. We can block money transfers to terrorist organizations like the DNC at the source.”
White House insiders expressed some doubt that the currency would gain international acceptance. One source confided, “He’s broken every treaty we have and he expects the world to get on board with this?” The statement concluded with hysterical laughter.
The White House denies that the enterprise will earn money for the President or his family. Sources do admit his companies will produce the materials, devices and will oversea transactions from their foreign factories and offshore banks. “Our family gives a lot to this country,” said newly appointed Secretary of Treasury Jered Kirshner.[1] “Be glad we’re willing to give so much more.”
[1] Promoted because Treasury employees are allowed to have a lower security clearance.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
