President proposes infrastructure bill
“America needs more luxury hotels”
The President unveiled his sweeping infrastructure plan Monday, presenting a proposal to erect new highways and hotels, ignore needed repairs on current infrastructure, and pass the buck to everyone but him. “By the time we’re finished, no one will be in charge, no one will be accountable, no one will pay the bills and we’ll do it in record time and under budget. Just like I always do,” he announced at at an informal press conference .
The core of his proposal? Luxury hotels. “America desperately needs more luxury hotels. Like the Howard Johnson’s of old. But more upscale. And pricier. Way pricier. So Americans can save the four thousand a year tax money we gave you and in ten or twenty years, you’re family can stay for a night.”
POTUS unveiled a display of the highway he imagines, with replicas of three Trump hotels visible from the new highway. The illustration was out of scale, almost cubist in its lack of perspective, cartoonish and drawn by his son Barron.
The President pulled a new MAGA cap from his drawer and spent two minutes trying to make it fit on his swelling head. The new cap reads “Make America 2.O.” (sic)
“The nation is littered with Motel 6 and Days Inns,” 45 declared. “In America 2.O we’ll offer a Trump Hotel in every town. A dozen in each citiy. And we intend to release fair and unbiased bidding proposals to any construction company in America associated with the Trump Organization.”
“In America 2.O we’ll offer a Trump Hotel in every town. A dozen in each citiy. And we intend to release fair and unbiased bidding proposals to any construction company in America associated with the Trump Organization.”
Porter’s replacement introduced
“You had your son draw a school assignment picture for this proposal,” an astonished John Gizzi of Newsmax pointed out.
“My son is a professional,” POTUS snapped. “I’ve hired him to replace Rob Porter. It’s time he ended his silly education, which is costing me my left arm, left nut and both feet, by the way, and Kelly keeps telling me I can’t expense to the government. We’ll see about that. I gave Barron security clearance because I didn’t take him to any of my meetings with the Russians.”
“You realize that’s a Russian nuke on your American highway,” Gizzi added. “That’s a red star on the truck.”
POTUS placed his hand on a bored Barron’s shoulder. “Barron’s been given full access to classified information. He wouldn’t mistake a puny Putin nuke for one of my mighty missiles.” Barron raised an eyebrow then started playing on his Nintendo Switch.
Francesca Chambers of the Daily Mail asked what programs POTUS would devote to fixing and upgrading the crumbling highways and bridges in the current interstate highway system.
“Fix anything? Of course we’re not going to fix anything. America doesn’t need second hand, second class hand me down infrastructure. We need shiny new toys. Leave the old roads to the inner cities where all the immigrants, drug dealers and criminals hide. Let ’em know. Your not welcome in America 2.O.”
“Fix anything? Of course we’re not going to fix anything. America doesn’t need second hand, second class hand me down infrastructure. We need shiny new toys.”
Disbursing the bills to save taxpayer money
The President produced a second chart detailing finances, breaking down cost and expenses incurred. The total cost of his program, including bridges, highways, and luxury hotels came to three and a half trillion dollars paid. The chart divided expenditures equally between states and localities and a new 100 percent tax on the Clintons, Clinton foundation, Warren Buffet, Tom Steyer and Elon Musk.
“It’s about time these private foundations and anti-free enterprise billionaires contributed to the economy,” he declared. “The best part. Americans won’t pay. We’re pushing the costs off on the states and localities. If they want to raise your taxes, you have to vote on it. Which means you say, ‘Hell no, fiscally unresponsible states and towns. You give us infrastructure with your own money.’”
“Isn’t state and local money raised by taxes?” American Urban Radio’s April Ryan challenged.
“April, April,” he pacified her. “When will you speak for your people instead of your radical left wing agenda that kept black unemployment up for centuries until I took office. They can take money from their employee’s pension funds. Do you know how much state employees and teachers are forced to put into pension funds? And all it does is sit there collecting less than one percent interest. They can invest that money without asking taxpayers for a dime. Then there’s toll roads. Taxpayers don’t pay for toll roads, drivers do. And drivers will be willing to pay twelve dollars a mile to drive on America 2.O highways. Best of all, smooth sailing and little traffic, because, at twelve dollars a mile, immigrants and criminals and other undesirables won’t be crowding the lanes. if we still need money, we’ll hit up Mexico, who owes us for cleaning up their immigrant mess.”
“(States) can take money from their employee’s pension funds. Do you know how much state employees and teachers are forced to put into pension funds? And all it does is sit there collecting less than one percent interest. They can invest that money without asking taxpayers for a dime.”
The President concluded the conference by declaring, “I never paid for anything with my own money in my life. Neither should you. That’s what America 2.O is about. Grab what you need and charge it to someone else.”