President Publishes Tell All News Book
Lays bare the media’s “dark, lying heart”
Friday, January 5, 2018
When the President learned the contents of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, he threatened to sue Wolff, Wolff’s source Steve Bannon and even the Holt publishing company. When the publisher announced he would move the book’s release date to today, the President jumped ahead of the story.
Two hours before Fire and Fury appeared on the shelves, trucks delivered boxes of the President’s new book Fake and Faker: Inside the Fake News to every book store in the country. “Fifty thousand copies to Amazon’s warehouse,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed.
“You know they have more than one distribution center,” American Urban Radio’s April Ryan pointed out.
“Why don’t you focus on the big picture and let the White House worry about the details,” Sanders informed her. “Just remember, the President’s book will outsell the fake book a hundred copies to one.”
Authored or Ghosted?
The President claims he wrote the book with no help from anyone [1] However, three members of the communications staff confirmed that the President wouldn’t allow them to leave the office after Holt previewed the book’s contents to the public. [2]
“When the President heard he wouldn’t like what was in the book, he told us we wouldn’t see our families until the ‘threat to national security was eradicated.’” One publicist admitted, “We weren’t allowed to leave our desks, much less the White House until the book left the government print shop at three this morning.”
No one disputes that the President wrote the book, but more than a dozen staff members were heard reading passages aloud and saying, “That was mine.”
No one disputes that the President wrote the book, but more than a dozen staff members were heard reading passages aloud and saying, “That was mine.”
The Haven obtained an advance copy from a box meant to be delivered to a Barnes & Noble in Racine, Wisconsin. A quick scan[3] produced the following excerpts:
Can Do: Trumping the critics
Readers who want to get a feel for the White House narrative need look no further than the Foreword, in which the President presents his credentials. After lengthy discussion, The Haven decided to include it verbatim.[4]
“I learned the benefits of a ‘can do’ attitude when I served as a POW in Vietnam. Unlike a certain Arizona Senator, I led more than six thousand brave American heroes in a daring escape. I didn’t leave them to rot in a VC prison until a deal was made to release me. I single-handedly dug the tunnels that freed us when everyone else gave up. I hid the dirt in my pants and dropped it through my leg outside our hut. I dodged VC storm troopers on my Harley. Those twelve thousand brave Americans wouldn’t be alive without my cunning, personal heroism and can do attitude.
“Compare that to the ‘can don’t’ attitude of Democrats and the lying fake media who want Americans to think our best days are over. Who ‘can don’t’ give their best. Just whine and complain. They could roll up their sleeves and invest their fortunes in jobs like I did. Trump Industries employs more than six million hard working Americans at minimum wage turning thrift and initiative into an American economy that currently runs at nine percent growth.
“When I took office the ‘can don’t just hopers’ had choked growth to less than half of one percent and cost more than three trillion Americans their jobs. I got those jobs back. I saved social security and got health care for forty million Americans by cutting wasteful programs like Medicaid, Medicare and CHIPs because no one needs cops on motorcycles when cars consume more gas. The more gas we use, the faster we fuel the economy.
I saved social security and got health care for forty million Americans by cutting wasteful programs like Medicaid, Medicare and CHIPs because no one needs cops on motorcycles when cars consume more gas. The more gas we use, the faster we fuel the economy.
“Reporters like Michael Wolff just want to lie to you and make you think America ‘can don’t’ anything anymore. I want to expose those lies so we can do what it takes to Make America Great Again. And we will once these liars like Wolff and crooked Hillary and her Moslem terrorist assistant (the one whose husband dangled his dick in front of five year old girls — FIVE Years old — in public — in Congress — little five-year-old girls who came to see our great democracy in action — and forwarded his wife’s confidential State Department emails to theRussians but Comey and the FBI did nothing about it). We will send them to jail to restore our confidence in Can Do Great Again America.”
The President’s “can doers” and “can don’ters” theme dominates the book. He returns to the well on every page as he “lays bare the truth about the dishonesty that makes me look bad. (Can you say which hunt?”
The wolf in the whorehouse
The President refers to Wolff as Michael Foxx on every page of the book. On page 23, he even mocks Wolff for “his bad time travel movies and parking lot’s disease. Every time he opens his mouth the staff places bets whether he’ll spaz out and drool.” The one time Wolff’s name is used correctly is on page 10 where the President refers to him as “a wolf in a whorehouse. Snatching, if you know what I mean.”
The President tells readers Wolff was never allowed in the White House. “I offered him zero access and turned him down more than 700 Times. But Wolff would sneak in disguised as flower delivery, a security guard or tour guide, sometimes a clown or stripper gram so people would let down their guard. “ (17) “Foxx never came to White House. He wrote from his elite liberal office pretending to be an intellectual even though I have a higher IQ and better degrees.” (44)
He also writes that Wolff visited the White House 200 times posing as an auditor for Homeland Security. The highly intelligent and first rate staff members (“who I hand-picked for their outstanding excellence and first-rate brains”) were “duped like Ozarks Hicks picking ragweed for lettuce.” (32)
At the same time, he claims Wolff fooled no one. “My staff knew who he was all along. I instructed them to feed him made up stories that would expose how the fake media works once the publisher began selling the lies to make illegal profit. And when his book comes out, his hypocriticalness will be exposed to the world.” (12)
The President even claims that Wolff deceived everyone when he “Introduced himself as Michael Wolff journalist not the Michael Wolff who writes fake news books for fake media.” (6) During his year interviewing staff members, Wolff “bugged every office, car and apartment to collect those misquotes without our knowledge or permission.” (19)
The White House was able to “keep tapes of every conversation”(23) in spite of the fact that they “didn’t keep tapes because he promised to send his, and we trusted him.” (4)
The criminal case against Wolff
The President also supplies evidence for a criminal case against Wolff, compiled by the FBI since the sixties. He suggests the evidence is overwhelming and the Justice Department will press charges “when we get someone at the helm who won’t let him walk away with hugs and a kiss like Comey did with Crooked Hillary.”
Fake and Faker alleges that Wolff:
- Posed as Anita Hill in the eighties and tried to seduce Clarence Thomas. Thomas wasn’t fooled and Wolff/Hill was humiliated during the Supreme Court hearings. (Following the public drubbing, Wolff went into hiding, cutting off his hair and undergoing a sex change).
- Secured Paula Jones for Clinton to seduce by with the claim that he needed her help to write an exposé on the corrupt President.
- Traded arms for hostages with Iran and broke the story, blaming it on Oliver North
- Broke into the Watergate hotel to lay the groundwork for a fake story by Woodward and Bernstein.
- Set up all the Russia meetings and posed as different campaign staff members to launch his fake Russia story. (Wolff even flew to Moscow in a Trump mask where he paid hookers to pee on him and report back to the Kremlin.)
- Is the number two man in Al Quaeda
- Developed and delivered nuclear weapons to North Korea and Iran.
If he was there why didn’t he know?
Fake and Faker claims the ultimate proof Wolff never visited the White House is his failure to report things he would know had he really been there. According to the book, Wolff didn’t know:
- The President uses cash for toilet paper and sends it out to be laundered at the end of every day (which is where Mueller mistakenly got the idea he was laundering money).
- What the President keeps in the back of his Oval Office desk drawer.
- Who’s on speed dial in the President’s cell phone.
Fake and Faker facts in dispute
As with Fire and Fury, many of the facts presented in Fake and Faker are in dispute. The biggest disagreement involves the President’s claim that Wolff didn’t have permission to visit the White House or staff. Wolff has presented photos of himself with the President and a personal invitation to the inauguration.
Sean Spicer recalls a meeting with Trump, Wolff and Huckabee Sanders in which the President suggested he hire Wolff for the job. More than one person present agrees the President told Wolff, “The odds are 20–3 that Spicer will self-destruct before Easter, and nobody wants to look at that fat sister wife of Mormon Mike Huckabee. You say the right things and I’ll tap you.”
The President told Wolff, “The odds are 20–3 that Spicer will self-destruct before Easter, and nobody wants to look at that fat sister wife of Mormon Mike Huckabee. You say the right things and I’ll tap you.”
The Bannon files
Staff members told The Haven that the President removed fifteen pages about Steve Bannon from the finished draft . “It’s too bad too,” a member of Sander’s staff told us. “My best lines went to Bannon. But last night Bannon called him a great man and I had to delete it.”
Steep price tag
The Government’s Press Office delivered more than three hundred thousand copies to bookstores across America. The White House expects them to sell out by six p.m for $69.95.
“Is the President paying for this, or the taxpayers?” CNN’s Jim Acosta asked during the press conference.
“You’re not allowed in here,” Sanders replied. She turned to the security guards. “Get him out of here.” When pressed by other reporters, “Look, the President’s business is the country’s business and vice versa. Don’t begrudge the man a few small perks.”
Despite the President’s claims that he wrote and published the book with no assistance from White House staff, Counsel Don McGahn ordered the most explosive and inflammatory comments to be edited out, including claims that Wolff designed Hitler’s gas chambers and “taught Ted Bundy everything he knew.”
Despite the President’s claims that he wrote and published the book with no assistance from White House staff, Counsel Don McGahn ordered the most explosive and inflammatory comments to be edited out, including claims that Wolff designed Hitler’s gas chambers and “taught Ted Bundy everything he knew.”
“It’s not as though he’ll read it,” McGann told staff. “Or even remember what he put in there.”
[1]: Something his “overwhelming brain power” allows him to do.
[2]: The book is 60 pages in 36 point type with triple line spacing.
[3]: The Haven confirmed that the President conducted his own fact checking. He explains in Chapter One that he watched FOX News for two hours after he wrote a new chapter. If they didn’t contradict him, he knew he had his facts straight.
[4]: Contrary to the President’s response to the first publication to publish his words verbatim, the word “verbatim” does not refer to auto-eroticism.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
