President Shares Own Heroic Service
Total recall of personal valor at Memorial service
At today’s Memorial Day Service for fallen soldiers at Arlington Cemetery the President stayed on script until the very end. The script was tailored to his personal speaking style, dedicated entirely to recognizing families of slain soldiers. The script even allowed him to riff briefly on the “beautiful children and brave widows.”
The speech ended with thunderous applause, and relief among White House staff that 45 hadn’t launched into a pointless tirade that would further inflame social media. Secretary of Defense James Mattis touched his elbow to escort him from the stage, but he stepped to the microphone once again to tell the audience how proud he was of his troops, the men and women he personally leads into battle. He then asked them to remember that he personally delivered the best economy in history and record jobs to wait them when they return to civilian life.
The President asked the troops to remember that he personally delivered the best economy in history and record jobs to wait them when they return to civilian life.
He added that soldiers are necessary to the wars at home against witch hunting deep state subversives. “Never before in the history of this country have we faced an enemy as powerful and insidious as the rogue Department of Justice, and never before has a strong military been so necessary to secure the domestic tranquility. My only wish is that I could return to service and fight next to you, mano a mano, manly man to girly man.”
POTUS surprises audience with personal revelations
The President proceeded to regale the audience with tales of his own military valor during the Vietnam War. “Like many of you, I have total recall of my years embedded deep within the jungles of Viet Nam, fighting the forces of Hokey Ming, sometimes without a weapon, while suffering from debilitating bone spurs that would have forced many men my age into deferment.
“While John McCain avoided the war at a luxurious prisoner’s resort and John Kerry hid from battle in his Swift Boat, I was in the thick of combat on the sea, in the air, and on the ground, as a sniper, pilot and battleship navigator, manning the cannons against the hordes of VietKong fighters attacking our ships. I shot down 22 VK fighters in a single day. Once during the thick of battle, with explosions on every side threatening to tear us from limb to limb, I carried six wounded comrades on my back to personal safety. My only regret is that I was too young to serve in Korea or I would have answered that call too.”
“While John McCain avoided the war at a luxurious prisoner’s resort and John Kerry hid from battle in his Swift Boat, I was in the thick of combat on the sea, in the air, and on the ground.”
Forced to back up the President’s claims that he served in Vietnam, contrary to military and medical records, the White House released a photo of POTUS carrying a crash test dummy to safety against a Photoshopped background of explosions. “We tried our best to make it look real,” admitted a member of the communications office. “But when the President found out we used images from the Associated Press, he threw a fit and cancelled all of our media subscriptions. So now we have to fake his photos with crap from the public domain.”
Even though no one in the media was fooled, except the Sinclair Broadcast Group, 45 now believes he served in Vietnam. “He has that fake photo on his desk and he’s shown it to every visitor today,” our source revealed.
Personal Greetings to the Bereaved
After the ceremony families stayed behind to visit the graves of their loved ones while the President circled among them, patting children on the back and handing his card to attractive widows and siblings. He told the women the White House planned a new office of Military Heroic Publicity and that each would make a perfect spokesperson. He promised a personal interview to any of the women who called his number.