President Stops Shooting Unarmed
Returns to scene of crime to prove doubters wrong
The President stormed unarmed into a new hostage shooting at Stoneman Douglas High yesterday, disarming five shooters and saving hundreds of students. “This shooting would have been worse than the first,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters after the event. “Far worse. Hundreds of students might have been killed were it not for the President’s brave and heroic action.”
She added that the action was “far more heroic than anything he might have done had he served in Viet Nam. He disarmed those shooters in spite of painful and debilitating bone spurs made worse by constant criticism from the fake media.”
POTUS’ action was far more heroic than anything he might have done had he served in Viet Nam. He disarmed those shooters in spite of painful and debilitating bone spurs made worse by constant criticism from the fake media.
The President’s heroic action followed public expression of doubt when he claimed he would have rushed unarmed into the high school during the first shooting. He made the statement while addressing America’s state governors on school safety Monday morning.
Polls of American voters revealed that only two percent believed the President would have confronted the shooters unarmed, or at all, although the number rose to four percent among Trump’s supporters. In fact, the only respondents who did believe POTUS’ claim were his supporters.
Polls of American voters revealed that only two percent believed the President would have confronted the shooters unarmed, or at all, although the number rose to four percent among Trump’s supporters. In fact, the only respondents who did believe POTUS’ claim were his supporters.
Sanders played the video three times, twice in slow motion. The video showed five shooters — two Hispanic, one Moslem, one black female and one white male — enter the high school with AR-15s. The President dashes from a classroom, unarmed, and wrestles all five to the floor, taking their weapons in the process.
“This heroic action should put to rest any doubts about the bravery and heroism of the greatest leader this country every had,” Sanders concluded.
Margaret Brennan of CBS News interrupted. “Why don’t we see the President’s face during the fight?”
“In fact,” added ABC’s Cecilia Vega, “how did you manage all the camera angles? Including floor level. Security cameras don’t film floor view.”
FOX News’ Jon Decker added, “That one guy looked like James Woods. Wasn’t he complaining that he couldn’t get any acting jobs because he’s conservative?”
“And the girl looks a hell of a lot like Stacey Dash,” charged Urban Radio’s April Ryan. “In fact, that is Stacey Dash.”
“Did you notice that two of the shooters were immigrants and one is Moslem,” Sanders rebutted. “That should put to rest the myth that all shooters are crazed white gunmen.”
“Just because they’re Hispanic, that doesn’t mean they’re immigrants,” Jim Acosta of CNN pointed out. “And Moslems don’t wear turbans. Sikhs do. You racist assholes always miss that.”
Acosta: “Just because they’re Hispanic, that doesn’t mean they’re immigrants. And Moslems don’t wear turbans. Sikhs do. You racist assholes always miss that.”
AP’s Zeke Miller charged, “Doesn’t it seem like a huge coincidence the President made an unannounced stop at Stoneman Douglas High at the precise minute five terrorists who resemble actors show up?”
Sanders slammed the podium and stamped her foot simultaneously. “The point is,” she shouted, “the shooters wouldn’t have charged the high school had they known the President was there to stop them. After all your fucking fake news, it’s time to report something real for once.”
At this time, the only paper to report the story is The Haven. In the meantime, POTUS Tweeted early this morning, “It’s a shame the fake news glorifies mass shooters whenever they kill American innocents. But when a real President heroically DISARMS ARMED KILLERS, not a word. SHAME ON THEM.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
