The Haven
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The Haven

President Takes on Sexual Misconduct

New executive order should stop problem of complaints

Following the resignation speech of Senator Al Franken, who is leaving the Senate under allegations of sexual misconduct, the President signed a new executive order to “put an end to these complaints once and for all.” The Executive Order, entitled “Constitutional Amendment №29” reads:

  1. No Male will be eligible for the office of President who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years, is not a Natural Citizen born to American parents born to American Parents and been fourteen years a resident within the United States.
  2. No Male shall be a Senator who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty Years, and is not a Natural Citizen born to American parents, and who shall not, when elected, be an Inhabitant of that State for which he shall be chosen.
  3. No Male shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the age of twenty-five Years, and is not a Natural Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which he shall be chosen.

“I’m tired of all these women derailing the political process,” the President explained, his chest extending past his stomach for the first time in his Presidency as a sign of pride for his bold new move. “I grabbed the situation by the pussy and stopped the problem once and for all. Once we get all the mouthy women out of Congress, all these sex distractions will end and we can get back to the business of putting good Americans, and we all know what I mean by good Americans, back to work and Making America Great Again.”

The President drank an entire bottle of water and barged ahead before questions could erupt. “I’m super proud of the American parents part. I took care of the immigration question while I was at it. Women make things bad enough, but imagine how bad it would be if we filled the Senate with murdering, terrorist Mexican Moslem women.”

President Trump questions Time selecting the silence breakers over him for Person of Year (Pixabay)

“Like those hashtag women. The one’s that got Person of the Year even though I told Time to make me Man of the Century. They only won because a handful of women, and believe me it was just a handful. Six, maybe seven at the most, using multiple fake accounts out-Tweeted me who only has me to Tweet. Me and my lawyers and whoever else I give access to my account. But believe me there’s more women, even though it’s just a handful, Tweeting their shit than me and my people Tweeting mine. And it isn’t shit. Mine. My Tweets smell like roses. American roses. Theirs is shit.”

They (the silence breakers) only won because a handful of women, and believe me it was just a handful. Six, maybe seven at the most, using multiple fake accounts out-Tweeted me who only has me to Tweet.

Even reporters from media outlets that normally support the President seemed stunned. “Do you really believe you can amend the Constitution by executive order?” demanded Kristin Fisher of FOX News. “Just to keep women from office?”

The President ran his hands lovingly over the order’s binder, this one made from the skin of an endangered Asian elephant and plated with 24 carat gold. “An executive order is an executive order. I issue it and it’s up to the country to pass an amendment reversing it. I checked the law on that personally.”[1]

President drags Senator Franken into discussion

Senator Franken forced to look on while President drags him into conversation on sexual misconduct (and ignores his own). (Wikimedia)

“I don’t want what happened to Senator Franksenbeans to happen to America’s most cherished politician, other than me, Judge Roy Moore after he whips that liberal Democrat Doug Johnson,” Trump told reporters. “But I applaud that whining, resigning pussy. Not for resigning, but for stepping down to make room for a Republican.”

“Actually, his replacement will most likely be Tina Smith, a female Democrat,” suggested the New York Time’s Maggie Haberman. [2]

“I don’t want what happened to Senator Franksenbeans to happen to America’s most cherished politician, other than me, Judge Roy Moore after he whips that liberal Democrat Doug Johnson.”

“What about Franken’s distinguished record of service to Americans?” asked C-SPAN’s Steve Scully. Scully referred to Franken’s statement that he was proud that he made the lives of many Americans better and that he would gladly do his Senate service all over again.

“What about my distinguished record of service to me?” the President snapped back. “I’ve made my life so much better. This new tax bill alone will line my pockets with more than a billion trillion dollars. And I wouldn’t do it over again, because, unlike that chipmunk faced wise-ass, I already did it. And I was on Saturday Night Live way more times than him. Hundreds of times. I made more appearances on Saturday Night Live than any comic in the history of comedy. I made more appearances than they have episodes.

“What about my distinguished record of service to me?” the President snapped back. “I’ve made my life so much better. This new tax bill alone will line my pockets with more than a billion trillion dollars.”

“They should be glad I don’t write an executive order making Presidential impersonations illegal,” the President ran on. And on. And on. “Or having Alec Baldwin executed for treason. I can’t believe they used that guy to impersonate me. I’m way better looking than him and I have a hotter wife. Hell, I have a hotter wife than all you people and you don’t hear her complaining when I grab her pussy.”

The President’s outburst left every reporter in the room speechless. After a moment of awkward silence, the President declared, “I’m glad this is over. I can’t wait to see how the Fake News spins it.”

A hand rose timidly in the back. “Doesn’t the way your order reads now mean any woman can run for office? With no restrictions?” CNBC’s Christina Wilkie questioned. “Your order says ‘No male shall be eligible.’ So doesn’t it place the restrictions on males and allow any woman to run? Even Moslem women who aren’t citizens? Moslem women, as you put it, from Mexico?”

The President slammed his executive order on the podium until the shelf broke. “Only a woman would ask that question,” he retorted. “Which is why Melania only speaks in public when I give her permission.”

Legal scholars consulted on every channel following the announcement, except for FOX News, agreed with Wilkie’s reading of the order. Legal scholars also pointed out that there must be a 28th Amendment before there can be a 29th.

[1]: The Haven consulted their own legal staff and six different law professors. They all agreed that the President may have checked the law on it, but the law says differently. Which means he either conveniently left out what he discovered, or he can’t read. All were of the opinion it’s the latter.

[2]: After the conference, reporters argued whether the President’s face turned purple over Haberman or her question.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Helland the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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