President Unravels Newest Conspiracy
Or perhaps he just unravels. With POTUS, we’re never sure.
The President locked himself in the Oval Office after the media released story after story yesterday, each one further deflating the White House’s overly inflated gas bag[1]. “No more fake news,” he shouted, turning the tumblers and ordering Communications Director Hope Hicks to push furniture against the door.
It was her last official act before leaving the White House.
The locks didn’t stop him from streaming FOX News and Breitbart in the hope of massaging his wounded ego. Unfortunately, even Sean Hannity commented that he could “see why some misinformed Americans might suffer from the misconception that POTUS may have overstepped his bounds when he allegedly called Hope Hicks stupid.”
“What’s wrong with Hannity today?” he Tweeted. “He never uses that many words unless he wants to COVER UP. But there’s NOTHING to cover up. CAN’T COUNT ON ANYONE!!!”
The news only got worse. Kushner’s perfectly legitimate under the table pay-to-play deals came to light, his daughter Ivanka also fell under suspicion for one of her perfectly legitimate under the table pay to play deals, Hope Hicks refused to return his direct messages begging her to walk past his grabbing hands one last time, Jeff Session not only refused to resign — once again — but he Tweeted a comeback that polled better than any of POTUS’, and the stock market dropped another 400 points after he announced tariffs no one else wanted.
His first Tweet of the day targeted Sessions: “Someone needs to have my back! My AG is head of the conspiracy to steal my office and MY MEDAL!!!! SAD.”
Worst of all, the Nobel Committee rejected his Peace Prize nomination as a forgery, and claimed the forgery had been attempted the year before as well. No one would say the President was responsible for the forged nominations, but no one doubted it either. The fact that he showed the letter to every Oval Office visitor to show how clever he was, may have tipped them off.
No one would say the President was responsible for the forged nominations, but no one doubted it either. The fact that he showed the letter to every Oval Office visitor to show how clever he was, may have tipped them off.
Trump frantically called every Cabinet member to ask, “I’m still getting the Peace Prize though, right? Like Obama?” No one would confirm one way or the other because they thought[2] he would Tweet nasty comments about they’re refusal to back him up.
He finally called the New York Times to ask their political reporting desk, only to be answered with a laugh that continued long after he smashed the receiver to pieces.
It was at that moment that the President realized every event of the day was part of a conspiracy even larger than the Russia investigation. What is now known as the March 1 Twitter Carnage began in earnest.
POTUS fired off 257 Tweets for two hours, railing against Sessions, Muller, the media, the NYSE, school teachers, high school students, Congress, the nation’s governors, Xi Jinping. Everyone but Vladimir Putin.
The March 1 Twitter Carnage
The President’s most reTweeted posts include:
“Stock Market down 400 POINTS in response to my generous tariffs. Talk about collusion. NYSE COLLUDING WITH SESSIONS to COLLUDE WITH MULLER to SABATOGE my administration. FORCE THE COLLUDERS TO RESIGN.”
NYSE COLLUDING WITH SESSIONS to COLLUDE WITH MULLER to SABATOGE my administration. FORCE THE COLLUDERS TO RESIGN.
“SESSIONS, MULLER , NYSE, FAKE NEWS COLLUSION cost me the best communication director I ever had. Best piece of ass that ever walked into my office (other than Ivanka) too. TIME TO STOP THIS CONSPIRACY????”
“NOBLE COMMITTEE COWARDS!!!!! Killed my prize over FAKE NEWS. I NEVER forged a letter in my life. MY NOMINATION REAL. Obama’s SO CALLED peace prize was fake.”
“PULL YOUR MONEY FROM STOCK MARKET. Colluding with Crooked Hillary and Sleazy Sessions. Economy doesn’t need stocks. STEEL INDUSTRY will make us strong.”
“My tariffs already brought FOUR HUNDRED BILLIUN TRILLIUN DOLLARS back to America. FAKE NEWS STOKE EXCHANGE ILLUMINATI want to kill the deal. Get your money out NOW and invest in REAL AMERICA again.”
My tariffs already brought FOUR HUNDRED BILLIUN TRILLIUN DOLLARS back to America. FAKE NEWS STOKE EXCHANGE ILLUMINATI want to kill the deal. Get your money out NOW and invest in REAL AMERICA again.
“Hope, I forgive your totally unforgivable stupid blunder. Come back. I don’t need you but America does. You could model for any nude magazine in world. I’ll buy a publisher for you. Supervise shoot. HANDS ON.”
“Not in CHAOS. More FAKE NEWS. 24 HOUR FAKE NEWS. All started by SCHOOL SHOOTING to MAKE ME LOOK BAD. My White House is FINE-TUNED WELL-HEELED ORGANISM RUNNING ON ALL GEARS.”
A source deep inside the White House confirms that US Marines broke into the office at 7:22 pm and seized the President’s phone. Once they removed him, aids secured his backup phone and his emergency backup backup phone as well. A thorough sweep turned up two more phones hidden outside the window and a third in the Oval Office bathroom.
Security video revealed that his fingers were still typing an invisible virtual keyboard at three in the morning, his pajamas covered in sweat and his usually orange face flushed bright red.
“Who knows what gems he Tweeted into the air once Kelly took his phones away?” our source confided. “Thank the Lord we never will.”
[1]: aka President Trump.
[2]: They would have been right.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
