President’s Doctor: “He Has No Heart”
Pressed by media, physician Jackson reveals the dirty truth
The questions began with a slow trickle and ended with a buckle. This morning Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson broke down under repeated questioning about the President’s heart. “I lied. But it isn’t what you think. The President doesn’t have heart disease, he has no heart at all.”
CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta questioned Jackson’s finding of a healthy Presidential heart during the initial press briefing. He challenged the finding openly when he suggested the President’s frequent calcium tests, his cholesterol and his weight are key indicators of heart disease.
“Saying a man has three key indicators but no heart disease is like calling Africa a shithole but telling people you’re not a racist,” Gupta told CNN. “Talk about your fake news award, Jackson just joined Sean Spicer for the Fake News Hall of Fame.”
“Saying a man has three key indicators but no heart disease is like calling Africa a shithole but telling people you’re not a racist.”
Gupta also questioned whether the President’s weight is 237 pounds, as claimed. “Have you looked at the man? He’s a beach ball waddling on duck legs. He’s 300 pounds, if not 350.” To demonstrate Gupta produced a photo of a 240 pound man next to the President.
Under repeated pressure from reporters to answer whether or not Gupta was correct, Jackson finally admitted that he lied because the President has no heart. “When I said he had no signs of heart disease, I was covering up the fact that he had no heart signs at all. We cracked open his chest, which we could do in the office because he has no feelings either. All we found was a lump of coal.”
“When I said he had no signs of heart disease, I was covering up the fact that he had no heart signs at all. We cracked open his chest, which we could do in the office because he has no feelings either. All we found was a lump of coal.”
Apparently the sight left the President unfazed. “‘That’s all the coal Santa left me as a kid,’ he told us.” Jackson admitted. The medical staff wanted to take the coal to study but the President refused. “I don’t share my shit with anybody,” he reportedly shouted.
In order to produce the final test results, the President ordered a fit young nurse to provide the samples. “He wanted to watch, but she was already in tears,” Jackson explained.
In response to Jackson’s confession, the President Tweeted, “CNN has a lunatic named Gupta running around and they call ME crazy. They need to hire more thoughtful white commentators. We don’t go crazy from hunger cause we can’t eat beef.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
