“Priority” Boarding? End of the Line, Sucker!
It‘s printed in big bold letters on my airline ticket: PRIORITY BOARDING. I paid $75 extra for those words, but it will be worth it. Right? I’ll get on the plane before all these other passengers. By the time they board, my smug body will be comfortably seated, my bag securely stored overhead. I might even be asleep. Wait, it looks like the jet bridge door is open. Time to line up.
“Good evening, passengers, and thanks for waiting. We are all set to board Flight 834 to Omaha. First, we’d like to invite our diamond, tungsten, silver, ruby, emerald, elite, privileged, choice and big kahuna passengers to board. If any of those words are printed on your boarding pass, you fly so often that you haven’t seen your kids in 10 years. Welcome aboard, and thank you for your loyalty. Feel free to elbow other passengers as you make your way to the head of the line. Loyalty has its privileges.
“Next we’d like to invite those people who need a little extra time making their way down the jet bridge. You’re the ones who are going to make this flight 30 minutes late because, let’s face it, you really should be taking Amtrak. Trains sit at the station for hours, doors wide open, before they go anywhere. Also, it appears some of you are in your early 20s and look like you could run a triathlon at a moment’s notice. But if you say you need extra time to board, who are we to argue?
“Next we’d like to board all the friends and relatives of those passengers who claimed they needed extra boarding time because, hey, you may as well be part of this ruse. Take your time; the group who limped down the jet bridge ahead of you miraculously recovered from whatever affliction they told us required extra boarding time. They are saving spots in the overhead bins for all your personal items.
“Next we’d like to board all passengers accompanied by dogs, cats, guinea pigs, parrots, peacocks, raccoons, ferrets, endangered white rhinos, or any other species dubbed ‘support animals.’ As we all know, ‘support animal’ is another phrase for ‘too cheap to pay crating fees.’ Please have your animals refrain from biting other passengers, at least until the beverage service is completed.
“Next we’d like to board families traveling with small children, which makes absolutely zero sense because small children can move faster than your average gazelle and don’t need extra time to board. Thankfully this flight does not contain any small children with support gazelles.
“Next we’d like to board anyone dumb enough to sign up for our airline’s credit card because we told you that doing so meant you received early boarding. And you did! Sort of.
“Next we’d like to board our really angry passengers. Those are all passengers who have ‘Group 1’ written on their boarding passes and erroneously assumed they’d be on the plane by now. Apparently, our gate agents neglected to tell you that ‘Group 1’ really means ‘Group 7.’ We apologize for this oversight.
“Now we’d like to briefly halt the boarding process, because we told too many people they could board early and the jet bridge looks like where the 405 meets the 110 in Los Angeles. We will resume boarding shortly.
“Thank you for your patience. Now we’d like to board Greg. And, Greg, please be advised there is no more overhead bin space so we’re going to have to check your shave kit to Omaha. But you do get to board through the lane marked, ‘Priority Boarding.’ Pretty cool, right?
“OK, it appears we are all set to, wait a minute, we’ve just been informed that this flight has mechanical problems. As a result, we will be delayed three hours. Please gather your belongings and exit the aircraft. Hang on to your boarding passes, because we will reboard in the exact same order.
“Unless you want to pay an additional $75 for Priority Plus boarding.”
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
