Pruitt Replaces Coats in Last Minute Deal
”No one wants smart types making decisions in my White House.”
President Drumpf dumped his Intelligence Director in an overnight, weekend move the White House hoped no one would notice. Coats’ replacement? Former EPA Director Scott Pruitt.
Pruitt’s first act as National Intelligence Agency director was to turn Coats over to Russian Investigators. Coats was called to the Oval Office this morning, and he expected to be dressed down over his gaff at the Aspen Security Forum earlier in the week.
Coats learned that 45 invited Putin to Washington only when NBC’s Andrea Mitchell informed him that the news was announced in a Tweet. Coats, caught off guard, expressed surprise. Staff members later described his interview as “catering to a smarty-pants liberal elite.”
Instead of a dress down, Coats discovered members of Putin’s Federal Security Services waiting for him. “Vlad needs lots of intel if he’s gonna fix the bugs in our system, and you have the big mouth he needs to hear it from,” Drumpf is reported to have told him.
“Vlad needs lots of intel if he’s gonna fix the bugs in our system, and you have the big mouth he needs to hear it from.”
White House wanted to keep story under radar
The White House hoped to keep the story under wraps until an official announcement could be made next week. Or the week after.
In fact, they were hoping to bury the story until Pruitt pulled one of his outlandish staff stunts and his misdeeds would create a bigger uproar than his appointment. In the words of one aide, “45 really missed having Pruitt around to make a bigger noise when he tRipped the dominoes in Helsinki.”
Fortunately, a Haven editor overheard a conversation between to White House aides while serving them at the bartending job he keeps to make money. He texted publisher Page Barnes, and she put her crack reporting team[1] onto the story.
“45 really missed having Pruitt around to make a bigger noise when he tRipped the dominoes in Helsinki.”
“Someone had to go,” a White House spokesman told The Haven, trying to shift the story from Pruitt to Coates. “After the shit storm over Bill Browder, Coats was the guy to send. No one in the GOP will defend him because he thinks he’s smarter than them. Okay, he thinks he’s smarter because he is smarter, but that makes it even worse.”
Too smart for Drumpf’s good
Coats’ intelligence has been a sore point with key elements of the White House staff[2]. According to a source close to the Oval Office, “Any time someone comes up with an idea 45 likes, for instance, Axis Superpowers Shared Hospitality and Trade (aka ASSHAT, the free trade treaty with Russia and North Korea), smarty pants would say, ‘Aren’t you trying to get out of the treaties we already have?’ Or, say, ‘Let’s grab some of the female interns and take Air Force One to Miami for a party,’ he’ll say, ’Do you think that will sit well with the First Lady?’”
Another source added, “Who needs that kind of smarty pants negativity? He must think he has a really high IQ. Like a hundred or something. Well, I’ve got one word for him. ‘Welcome to Siberia, m**r f**ker.”
“Who needs that kind of smarty pants negativity? He must think he has a really high IQ. Like a hundred or something. Well, I’ve got one word for him. ‘Welcome to Siberia, m**r f**ker.”
Word that The Haven was looking into the story may have reached Drumpf before we posted. He is already Tweeting to get ahead of the Press.
“Have replaced Intel Director Cotes with RELIABLE and TRUSTWORTHY Scott Pruitt,” Drumpf Tweeted just before this story went online. “Scott made some mistakes but promises to keep them from public in future.”
”No one wants smart types like Cotes making decisions in my White House,” Drumpf Tweeted next, “and Scott has proved time and time again that he’s NOT VERY SMART. Otherwise the FAKE NEWS would never have FAKE CAUGHT him.”
”No one wants smart types like Cotes making decisions in my White House, and Scott has proved time and time again that he’s NOT VERY SMART. Otherwise the FAKE NEWS would never have FAKE CAUGHT him.”
The Haven tried to verify Coats’ safe arrival in Moscow, but we were told there is no record of his plane leaving the US or landing in Russia. “Don’t worry,” the Russian spokesman assured us. “Happens all of time. We’re used to it here.”
[1]: Me.
[2] Meaning the occupant of the Oval Office.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
