Putin Birthday Tractor
President Putin turned 70 last week, and what do you get the dictator who’s got everything, except Ukraine?
The people of Belarus gave him a tractor. Not the actual people of Belarus, who are probably indifferent to Putin, but their leader, President Alexander Lukashenko. He gave Putin a tractor, although it was the people of Belarus who paid for it. To be clear, he didn’t actually give Putin a tractor. How would you wrap a tractor? Once you wrapped it, how would you get it to the person you were giving it to? No physical tractor was given, possibly because a wrapped tractor is a logistical nightmare.
It’s more likely that Lukashenko did what we’ve all done. He thought he had plenty of time to get a special gift, something fun yet meaningful. She didn’t want to nag, but Galina, his wife, mentioned several times that he had to get Putin a present. Then, bang, he finds himself in the car on the way to the party. No gift, no card, and after last year’s gift fiasco, this one has got to be good.
Last year, the look on Putin’s face when the glitter fell out of his birthday card was telling. He wasn’t as delighted as President Lukashenko had hoped he would be, and did he even know who Rick and Morty were? It didn’t seem so as he unwrapped the season three box set. No matter how many times Lukashenko shouted “Pickle Rick” and did a little bear dance, Putin would not join in.
Thank goodness the box-set had free shipping, boy that prime pays for itself, otherwise he’d have gone this route. ,Photo by Miracle Seltzer on Unsplash
There was a lot riding on this. So when Lukashenko saw a gas station, he knew he had been saved. A gift card. Lukashenko went in a broken, worried man. But he came out a hero. No one would have gotten Putin a present this good. No one. Definitely not that Italian snot, Berlusconi. He gave him bedding a few years ago. A beautiful embroidered bedspread of Putin and Berlusconi shaking hands. In the background, the Colosseum is next to the cathedral of St. Basil the Blessed. No one ever liked Berlusconi, but Putin loves that bedding. But this year would be different.
For Lukashenko had picked the perfect gift card. Good for one (1) tractor.
At least one gift giver was thoughtful.
Emomali Rahmon, president of Tajikistan and a man noted for his break dancing skills, was the 1986 East Coast champion, gifted the Russian leader two pyramids of melons. Take that, Lukashenko.
It’s not clear why, but let’s hope Putin likes melons.
At least Rahmon, or “Everyone loves Rahmon” as he likes to be called, put in the effort. They were big pyramids, probably twenty feet high, and after a long day dictating what’s better than a melon.
Commonly known as Rodin’s the thinker but actually called do you think he’d like mellons — Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash
These melons weren’t just some last minute gift hastily thrown together at some gas station. Rahmon had spent weeks carefully calling around Putin’s friends, seeing if he could work out what would be extra special. What would Putin love, and that when it came to him. What says happy birthday more than homegrown produce? All spring, the Tajikistan president has toiled in his garden, growing these melons. He couldn’t be prouder.
It begs the question, did they coordinate the gifts? The tractor has its uses if you have multiple melons to move.
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