Putin’s Incursion Into Community Pool Will Not Be Tolerated
Russians Descend On Border in Trunks, Floaties
Reporters On the Ground Risk Sunburn To Bring You This Bulletin
The Secretary-General intonated tonight that troop build ups near the snack stand must continue to “ensure the robust defense of HOA territory.” This maneuver comes in response to eye witness reports from Daniel, 14, confirming the Putin family breached 2018 agreements today by exceeding the ‘guest pass’ limit by nearly 100,000 soldiers.
The Putin regime maintains that no foul play has accompanied their patriarch’s nearly 23 years in power. He rose through the ranks to secure the Boyfriend position, which he held till 2012 before stepping back to become the family’s Husband. Though nominally Husband is the Head of State, a ceremonial role, Putin has made it clear that he’s here to stay, and that any Boyfriend of his wife’s rules at his discretion.
Mrs. Putin, flaunting the pool’s anti-liquor rules atop her T-72B3 tank, condemned the HOA for “inflaming tensions” so near the annual block party potluck. She then claimed that her “cousins” only entered the pool to have her taste the “delicious warscht — sorry, borscht — soup” the Putins had signed up to bring.
Mini-Putins Claim Despotism Actually Trending on TikTok
The Putin children were separately embroiled in allegations that they launched two Mk.3 NERF torpedoes past the DMZ and into the shallow end the day prior.
An international incident was narrowly avoided through the heroic sacrifice of junior lifeguard Maria Diaz, who suffered a major bonking in her effort to reroute the ordinance. The Secretary-General is expected to award her the Medal of Honor, which will not confer a pay raise but will look nice on college applications.
Who can forget the annexation of Mr. Henderson’s duck pond just a few years ago? Local referendums (composed of Putin’s children, who played there quite frequently) supported annexation, and technically the rezoning revealed it laid on the pool-czar’s lot, but if you ask Mr. Henderson it was a classic case of realpolitik bullying. We found him looming before the barbed wire fence bisecting his yard.
“My ducklings. They’re so cold,” he pleaded, “First the pond, now the pool: what next? The lake house? Eastern Europe?”
“Henderson isn’t mad, he’s jealous,” Putin replied, “I checked homeowner’s agreement. It says no farm animals. Have you ever tried to farm bear? I put up fence for his benefit.”
Terrible News: Guy Who Wants WWIII Might Have A Point
Putin went on to decry the HOA as hypocrites in their concern for poolian independence.
“Even if I am making warscht with the pool — which I am not — how is it any different from their displacement of old tenants to build McMansion? Or neo-colonial effort to force new development into HOA?”
Fears of a false-flag attack from pro-Putin separatists have previously been raised by the Community Intelligence Agency. A cell was busted in the Secretary-General’s own basement last week, operating under the cover of a Dungeons & Dragons game. The Secretary-General bemoaned that “if they’re going to commit domestic terrorism, they could at least do it in the sunshine.”
Chlorine Spike Portends Doom
A summit during adult swim had to be canceled for delegate safety after the appearance of a UFO (unidentified floating object). Daniel, 14, is wanted for questioning in connection with this event, though CIA reports indicate that he’ll be AWOL through the potluck due to being grounded. Daniel’s friends contend that a lewd magazine planted by Putin’s children is to blame.
Hope for a borscht-based de-escalation still lives in pool goers’ hearts, but analysts see war as inevitable. They point to anti-game night sanctions on one side, and several armored battalions with ICBM backup on the other. “It’s bad news,” they say, “Tasty beets or not.”
Breaking: HOA recalls most embassy staff from their posting in the showers. Staff claims the situation on the ground is “wet,” “soapy,” and “trending towards a geopolitical quagmire whose consequences are likely to ripple out for decades to come.”
Regardless of who the potential war’s winner might be, we know the name of its loser: the common people, their pool chairs turned to charnel houses, their children conscripted, and their lives twisted as pawns in political games. Also, Maria Diaz, who has to stay late to skim the pool post-potluck.
