Putty Patroller declares himself Conscientious Objector

Please, Red Ranger, Do Not Knee Me in the Crotch

Patricia Grant
May 12, 2017 · 3 min read
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Brother and Sister Putties-

As we wait here in the Moon Palace, a batch of putties fresh from the Monster-matic, I find myself affected with strong emotion. Soon our creator, the alchemist Finster, will declare us ready to serve our purpose, as determined by our Queen, the intergalactic sorceress Rita Repulsa. Soon we, like thousands of putties before us, will be sent to the city of Angel Grove on planet Earth to engage in hand to hand combat with the Power Rangers.

In these quiet moments of reflection, I have come to a profound self-discovery — a revelation, if you will. The nature of this revelation may scandalize the traditionalists among us, but I feel compelled to share it with you now, in the hope that it will inspire like-minded putties to speak forthrightly.

I stand in opposition to this senseless turf war. I reject my role as a generic foot soldier and the duty of low-level violence-making that comes with it. I feel that we, as nameless, powerless putties, have suffered grievous abuses at the hand of Rita Repulsa. Her maniacal quest to defeat the Power Rangers, and their vanguard Zordon of Eltar, has led to staggering transgressions against the putty and monster community. For too long we have been subject to the whim of an unjust and uncaring mistress. We putties deserve the same basic rights afforded to any other magical anthropomorphic being.

So I will not fight the Queen’s war. I will not grapple with the Power Rangers. I have no personal animosity towards these color-coded teenagers. Instead, I feel a kinship with them, for their young lives, too, have been irrevocably altered by war.

The sage Zordon has commandeered their youthful “attitude” and superior karate skills for his own purposes. He has commissioned these children with the power of the dinosaurs and given them command of a fleet of war machines called Zords, but they fight not for themselves. They fight for their master, Zordon. Like putties, the Power Rangers are enslaved. The Power Rangers, too, are victims of war.

Soon the Queen will raise her scepter and teleports us to some peaceable patch of Angel Grove, such as a lakeside picnic spot or a community service event. There, we will encounter the Power Rangers. They will not expect our arrival and, taken aback, one of them will cry out: Looks Like We’ve Got Company! They will assume a fighting stance, but I will not fight them. Instead, I will extend a single flower — a white daisy — as a peace offering, and I will say,

Please, Red Ranger, do not knee me in the crotch. Please, Pink Ranger, do not roundhouse kick me in the throat. I don’t want to fight you, Power Rangers. I come in peace. Let us organize a sit-in at The Youth Center Gym and Juice Bar. All the teenagers of Angel Grove and all the Putty Patrollers from Finster’s workshop will gather as a show of solidarity against this endless war. We will drink juice from the Juice Bar and practice our beam routine, our hip-hop dancing, and our (non-violent) karate moves at the Gym until Zordon and Rita Repulsa agree to put aside their differences. Because the Earth is no one’s to dominate.

Translated from the native Putty Gibberish

⚡️⚡️ Next time on Power Rangers: Alpha 5’s sexual awakening ⚡️⚡️

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Patricia Grant

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Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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Patricia Grant

Written by

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

The Haven

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A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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