According to a palace insider, The Godfather is one of Queen Elizabeth’s favorite films. After all, what is a Godfather if not the royal monarch of a crime gang. Uneasy lies the head that rests the crown in both the Mafia and the British Royal Family.
“It’s not anybody that can hang on to power like she has for over 70 years,” says the insider. “Watching The Godfather Parts One and Two has gotten her through a lot of crises.”
She was widely rumored to have said, “Time to go to the mattresses,” when public opinion swung against her in the wake of Princess Diana’s death.
And she managed to turn that crisis to her own advantage, becoming more popular than ever after the storm blew over.
Harry Also Loves The Godfather
It is known that before Meghan married into the royal family, she came to Harry and said, “Harry, is it true that your family are really Nazi-loving Germans?”
“Meghan, don’t ask me about my business,” said Harry.
But she persisted.
“Alright, I’m going to make an exception. This one time, Megan, I’m going to let you ask me about my business.”
“Is it true?” asked the desperate Meghan.
Harry looked her right in the eyes and said, “No, Meghan, it’s not true.”
Oh, the Queen had a good laugh with Harry afterwards. “Well done, Harry,” she said. “Gut gemacht!” And then she said some more things to him in fluent German, the secret Royal Family language, which Harry answered, also in fluent German.
But those were happier times.
Harry’s Private Meeting Within The Queen’s Chambers
Now her husband had passed away, and Harry came back for the funeral, a bit shame-facedly, one might expect, after that brutal tell-all interview he had given to Oprah. She called him into her office.
“Harry,” she said, in her upper-crust accent. “You’re my grandson and I love you. But don’t ever take sides against the family again.”
Harry spotted a nice pastry on the table next to the Queen.
“Granny,” he said. “Are you going to eat that cannoli?”
Queen Elizabeth looked at him through steely eyes.
“Leave the Crown, take the cannoli,” she said.
Harry got her meaning. She handed the cannoli to him. Harry suddenly lost his appetite.
“Eat it!” she commanded.
“Are you trying to buy my silence with a creamed pastry?” he asked her, donning his best gob-smacked ginger expression.
“I’m just saying, leave the Crown. Take the cannoli.”
Harry nervously stuffed the cannoli in his mouth. Then he broke down in tears.
“I’m sorry, Granny. I’m sorry I did the interview. I’m sorry I said those things. Really, I didn’t know it was going to be a hit job. They said that it would be good for the royal family!”
The Queen looked at him through narrowed eyes.
“And you believed that story?”
“She said there’d be something in it for me! On my own!”
“I’ve always taken care of you, Harry,” said the Queen.
“Granny, please!” he pleaded.
“You’re nothing to me now,” pronounced the Queen. “You’re not a grandson. You’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you, or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the palaces. I don’t want you near The Henley Regatta. When you see your father, I want to know a day in advance so I won’t be there.”
A little while later, Harry was walking around outside. A young cousin asked Harry to take him out fishing on a pond at Windsor Castle, on a little rowboat that was docked on the shore.
Harry looked at the little rowboat and felt uneasy.
“Maybe some other time, cousin,” he said. He suddenly felt the need to get back to Montecito as fast as he could.
But there was more bad news awaiting him when he got back to California. His wife Meghan came to him.
“It wasn’t a miscarriage!” she said. “It was an abortion!”
“Just like our marriage, Michael! Something that’s unholy and evil!”
“Michael? Who’s Michael? said Harry, confused.
“Oh sorry,” said Meghan. “I was practicing my lines for the stage version of The Godfather Part Two. We’re putting it on at the Montecito Community Theatre.”
“Whew!” said Harry, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Cause for a second there I felt like hitting you!”
“Harry!” scolded Meghan. “What’s gotten into you. You haven’t seemed yourself since you got back from England.”
“Community theatre, Meghan!” scoffed Harry. “You’re a member of the British Royal Family…I think. I have to check on that but I think you still are. And we don't do community theatre!”
“But Harry, Netflix is going to film the community theatre production and pay us ten million dollars!”
“Oh!!” said Harry, brightening. “In that case…
Suddenly some accordion music came from nowhere, Harry grabbed his wife and they went dancing and singing through the Montecito estate:
Mamma mia me maritari,
Figghia mia, a cu te dari
Mamma mia pensaci tu.
Meanwhile, back in Old Blighty, the Queen was staring out of her window. Her counselor came into the room. Without turning to him she spoke.
“Go to Los Angeles. Meet with this Netflix Guy. Reed Stevens or whatever his name is. Tell him you want him to cancel all Meghan and Harry’s contracts.”
Then she turned her face to him.
“Make him an offer…he can’t refuse.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” he said, and slowly backed out of the room. The Queen turned back to the window. What was she thinking? Who knows?
Let’s just hope Reed Stevens doesn’t love race horses.