Casey Rand
May 6, 2017 · 3 min read

Re: Manson Ranch Wedding

Congratulations on your engagement and thank you for your interest in the Manson Family Ranch! Our historical property has been hosting weddings and other ritualistic ceremonies for over 40 years. Its remote location and haunting landscape will ensure your guests have an unshakable experience. Below, please find an outline of what you can expect on your big day.

PRE-CEREMONY

Get ready for the main event in style in one of the Ranch’s private quarters. These secluded ditches, dug by original Family members, can accommodate up to ten adults and five Beach Boys. Bridesmaids will get ready by the light of a roaring indoor fire — there is no electricity on the Ranch, as wires are Satan’s lifeline to the living — while the groomsmen participate in a classic pre-wedding knife-throwing circle. The nontraditional groom can forgo his tux in exchange for a heavily worn buckskin suit at no extra charge.

CEREMONY

Our ramshackle barn is the perfect place for lovers to be stitched together forever. Imagine bride and groom walking down a dirt aisle surrounded by their closest friends and random Family members, while an orphaned child plays an acoustic version of “Helter Skelter” on a stolen doll’s guitar. As the couple greets Scuttlebug, our in-house officiant, they will each have the other’s initials carved into their foreheads, before receiving their new names and being pronounced one mind under the flesh.

COCKTAIL HOUR

While the newlyweds are swept off to have their heads shaved, guests will hitchhike ten miles in the scorching desert sun to the Ranch’s Main Saloon, where they will be greeted with refreshing LSD spritzers and finger fluids. As they wait for the bride and groom to arrive, loved ones will be encouraged to tattoo their well-wishes on the human guest book.

RECEPTION

Party time! With their hearts pounding and their paranoia setting in, revelers will be eager to get on the dance floor. The betrothed will kick things off with their first nude dragon dance as husband and wife, before the rest of the group is invited to join in with a stunning group orgy. Of course, our professional photographers will be on-site to capture every crease and puddle. Once guests have worked up an appetite, dinner will be served in the Scorpion’s Den (named after all the scorpions).

DINNER

What follows will be a mouth-watering four-course meal prepared by the Ranch’s head chef, Bobby “Butch” Horowitz, who cooks exclusively with ingredients sourced from local dumpsters and home invasions. Here is a sample spring menu:

1st course

Dented-tomato and grass-handfuls bruschetta on crusted bits

2nd course

Papier-mâché fettuccine with wilted bandaids and whipped hand lotion

3nd course

Found steak chunks on a bed of fried shoelaces

4th course

Drawing of cheesecake with strawberry stains

CAKE CUTTING

No wedding is complete without the formal cutting of the cake. It is customary for the bride and groom to say a few words here, before slicing off each other’s thumbs and using them as dessert forks. Often, the crowd will chop off their own appendages in solidarity with the happy couple. Gluten-free cakes are available for an additional fee.

SEND-OFF

As the sun rises and crowd weeps uncontrollably, the bride and groom will hot-wire a ’67 Power Wagon and drive off to start their lives on the Ranch. That’s right. Every couple that gets married on the property is automatically initiated into the Family. Shelter, meals and offspring will be provided in exchange for lesser-known sex acts and the occasional killing spree.

We sincerely hope you choose the Manson Family Ranch for your special day. Please don’t hesitate to reach out with additional questions or names of young girls who are kind of just wandering around.

Worst,

The Family

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Casey Rand

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Author of People Who Deserve It, Creative Director at Droga5, Contributor @ The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, etc. Born with one long armpit hair // caseyrand.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk