Re: No More Mar-A-Lago Trips, I’m Going to Million Dollar Baby Biden’s Ass

To: Donald Trump (donaldtrump@whitehouse.gov)

Subject: RE: no more Mar-a-Lago trips, I’m going to Million Dollar Baby Biden’s ass

With all due respect, sir, I don’t think this is a good idea. I’m well-aware that your health has been cleared by a doctor but there is a difference between being healthy for one’s age and being able to, “train like a motherfucker, Million Dollar Baby this bitch.” I know you’re upset about Biden’s comments about beating you up, but this might not be the most effective way to deal with it.

Please, Mr. President, understand that I am not saying you couldn’t beat up former Vice President Joe Biden if you wanted to. Everyone knows you could; we all talked about it yesterday and agreed that you are one tough daddy and Biden is a wussy wimp boy. You don’t have to prove that to anyone, least of all Biden himself. Besides, this is what Biden wants. He wants you to fight him in arena combat on a public stage. Do you really want to give that wussy wimp boy what he wants? Because if you do, you will always be remembered as a man who gave in to the whims of wussy wimp boys. Think about that.

Regarding the dojo you’re requesting to be built in a clandestine wing adjacent to your office: it is possible but I don’t think the pull-a-book-from-the-shelf-and-the-wall-opens-up-to-a-secret-training-grounds is financially doable. Also, Clint Eastwood isn’t an actual boxing trainer. I can still bring him in if you want, but I don’t think he’s going to be able to teach you any technique. If it’s exercise you want, I recommend yoga. Or maybe just some light stretching.

Also: have you ever punched one of those punching bags before? It’s hard. Harder than you might think. Sort of hurts after a while. Think of how much material it would give liberals if your hands were sore from punching one of those all day. Remember what you said? No more hand jokes? You’ll be breaking your own rule if you decide to replicate the training montage in Million Dollar Baby.

Remember too that being a leader means making other people do your dirty work for you. A leader should not stoop to every punk who has something to say about their weight and physical prowess (or lack thereof). For example, would Vladimir Putin get into fisticuffs with a political rival? No. He’d have them killed.

I do not mean you should have Joe Biden killed. I repeat: I do not think you should have Joe Biden killed.

Spending less time at Mar-A-Lago: a solid idea. I think you’re onto something there. However, you lost me a little when you mentioned, “getting into the kind of shape where a one-two punch can make a guy see little birds flying in circles above his head.” On an unrelated note: have you been watching old cartoons again? Just curious.

To reiterate: I know better than anyone that you could totally kick Joe Biden’s butt. Don’t have to prove that to me. Nope. No sirree. So don’t take this as anything other than a suggestion with your best interest at heart. Maybe instead of training, you just watch the movie again? It really is a classic.

Sincerely,

Your Trusted Advisor