Reactions to the Comey Memo
Predictions that I Would Be Willing to Wager On
5:23 p.m. — The New York Times publishes an article stating that in a meeting with former FBI Director James Comey, President Trump asked that the FBI drop the investigation of former NSC Director, Michael Flynn. The source of the report is a memo written by Comey after the meeting.
5:30 p.m. — The White House press office issues a statement:
“While the president has repeatedly expressed his view that General Flynn is a decent man who served and protected our country, the president has never asked Mr. Comey or anyone else to end any investigation, including any investigation involving General Flynn,” the statement said. “The president has the utmost respect for our law enforcement agencies, and all investigations. This is not a truthful or accurate portrayal of the conversation between the president and Mr. Comey.”
5:45 p.m. — Sean Spicer is seen heading for the nearest bush.
6:30 p.m. — NSC Adviser H.R. McMaster makes a statement to the White House Press.
The story by The New York Times is not accurate as reported. The President never discussed military operations with James Comey and probably could not identify James Comey in a lineup. In addition, the President gets to define what the truth is. Also, I would rather be anywhere but here. Thank you.
7:30 p.m. — Majority leader Mitch McConnell staunchly defends President Trump’s right to pressure Comey to drop the Flynn investigation.
“Today we’ll no doubt hear calls for a new investigation,” Mr. McConnell said on the Senate floor as most Senate Democrats looked on, “which can only serve to impede the current work being done.”
Oh wait, that was McConnell’s quote from last week. And the week before that. It will also be next week’s quote.
7:45 p.m. — VP Pence issues a statement:
President Trump showed strong and decisive leadership by denying this report. The President made the right decision by . . . Oh fuck it. Are there any women around who would like to have dinner alone with me?
8:30 p.m. — Spicer, Kushner, Bannon and Sanders are heard arguing. Someone pulls a fire alarm at the White House to drown out the yelling.
9:11 p.m. — Rachel Maddow has to stop her show because she’s laughing too hard to continue.
10:00 p.m. — Sean Hannity’s lead story is: “Hillary Clinton’s Emails: A National Shame”
10:45 p.m. — President Trump is seen eating KFC and hitting golf balls through the windows of the East Room.
May 17, 2017
6:07 a.m. —
6:21 a.m. — Morning Joe is in full meltdown mode.
7:33 a.m. — As he exits House gym, Paul Ryan states:
I am very disturbed by the leaks coming out of the White House. I look forward to the House Intelligence Committee getting to the bottom of the leaks. Have a nice day.
9:00 a.m. — The women of The View announce that they will stay on the air until impeachment proceedings commence.
2:30 p.m. — The Washington Post reports [insert next outrage here]. Rinse and repeat.
Page Barnes is the founder of the new Medium humor publication, The Haven. Find it and follow it at Medium.com/the-haven. And write for The Haven if you dare. If you enjoyed this article, please click the 💚 and share it.
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