REALISTIC VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS THAT HALLMARK SHOULD SELL

Anna Jadow
The Haven
Published in
2 min readFeb 7, 2022

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Photo by Rinck Content Studio on Unsplash

Hey, Hallmark…

Roses are red
Violets are blue
How about making
Some cards that are true?

To My Sister on Valentine’s Day: Are you sure you’re not settling?

To My Spectacularly Horrendous Ex-Boyfriend: My therapist thanks you for putting her kids through college

Dear Daughter: He will never commit — freeze your eggs.

Happy Valentine’s Day to My BFF: Your boyfriend’s kind of an asshole.

To My Wonderful Boyfriend: I know we said no gifts this year, but I got you a sleep apnea machine so I don’t have to kill you in your sleep.

To My Adoring Husband: Thank you for pitching in around the house even though you also have a job. Notice that I didn’t thank you for splitting the housework with me. I mean, it’s great that you rinsed the dishes, but why didn’t you load the dishwasher?

To My Little Bro: Are you sure you want to get married? The average length of a marriage in the United States is 8.2 years, and I just don’t know if Kemberly is the one. She ignores a lot of my texts, she’s never gotten me a birthday present, and I didn’t care for her toast at my rehearsal dinner. What kind of a name is

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Anna Jadow
The Haven

I say things 🙈 Words in HuffPost, The Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, MuddyUm, Frazzled, The Haven, Scary Mommy, Sammiches