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REALISTIC VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS THAT HALLMARK SHOULD SELL
Hey, Hallmark…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
How about making
Some cards that are true?
To My Sister on Valentine’s Day: Are you sure you’re not settling?
To My Spectacularly Horrendous Ex-Boyfriend: My therapist thanks you for putting her kids through college
Dear Daughter: He will never commit — freeze your eggs.
Happy Valentine’s Day to My BFF: Your boyfriend’s kind of an asshole.
To My Wonderful Boyfriend: I know we said no gifts this year, but I got you a sleep apnea machine so I don’t have to kill you in your sleep.
To My Adoring Husband: Thank you for pitching in around the house even though you also have a job. Notice that I didn’t thank you for splitting the housework with me. I mean, it’s great that you rinsed the dishes, but why didn’t you load the dishwasher?
To My Little Bro: Are you sure you want to get married? The average length of a marriage in the United States is 8.2 years, and I just don’t know if Kemberly is the one. She ignores a lot of my texts, she’s never gotten me a birthday present, and I didn’t care for her toast at my rehearsal dinner. What kind of a name is…
