Reasons You Should Absolutely Send Your Sick And Heavily-Medicated Child To School Today
- Your body is a wonderland that didn’t get that way by missing the gym to take care of a barfing kid.
- There will probably be bagels to openly shun at your HR meeting.
- Twenty-four hours or 24 minutes fever-free = same/same.
- Your child’s pallor, like a death mask, will serve as a PSA to anti-vaxxers.
- Their abysmal cognitive performance will really boost the spelling test curve.
- They can help strengthen the first-year teacher’s immune system with their projectile phlegm droplets.
- Missing after-school Lil’ Dribblers practice could mean goodbye NBA contract.
- It will teach your child an important lesson about resilience.
- And when they can’t make it to the bathroom in time, a lesson on humiliation.
- You’re keeping the school maintenance staff from getting bored.
- The school nurse, too.
- (Because what do they do all day, anyway?)
- Everyone knows a Perfect Attendance Award in 2nd grade results in a full ride to Harvard down the road.
- And children who miss school go to jail.
- Or maybe that’s you.
- Or their teacher?
- Someone’s going to jail if this miserably-ill puppy doesn’t get their butt to “Structured Play Time.”
- Your child was healthy enough to crawl to the bathroom at 1:00, 2:30 and 4:00 am, so they’re healthy enough to complete 7 hours of critical-thinking tasks in addition to maneuvering social and emotional landmines, all while remaining upright, alert and well-behaved after their one hour of fever-hallucination-laden sleep where they dreamed their principal was an orange wizard who ate little children for dessert.
Once your child has fully infected the rest of the student and staff population, school will be closed for five days to allow for appropriate fumigation. Enjoy your time off!