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War on Christmas
Recovered Letter From the Front Lines of the Christmas War
Heartfelt missive, retrieved from the Internet Archives
The following letter was retrieved from the Wiki of Alexandria before it’s servers burned in a fire. Composed at the height of the War on Christmas, when Starbucks changed their cups from ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Happy Holidays.’
My Darling Wife,
I sit down to write these lines, hoping they will find you and the children in better health than I find myself at present. I received your letter together with the $5 on the 3rd of December. I apologize for my late reply, but I haven’t had time to write.
We’d been marching on the Liberal Media since the 5th. Each night my cot found me too tired to compose. The fighting had gotten too fierce for me to risk a light by which to jot news of my whereabouts and fortunes.
On the 7th, we met heavy resistance from the Liberal forces. I am sorry to say I have lost two men of my color guard. I still gave thanks to the Lord though, for having seen me safe through the melee.
The Ivory Towers have proved hard to storm. From on high they wage their war with wizards the like I ain’t never seen since back in the ’80s. Those days, the black-robed…
